MARRIED WEED COUPLE LOSING GRIP

What happens when a weed couple changes their stance?

When one of them decides to light up and the other doesn’t?

If they are baby boomers, you’d expect them to do something baby boomer-ish, like write a letter to Dear Abby?

No way. They’d sit down, after fifty years of marriage, and figure it out.

Wouldn’t they?

DEAR ABBY: My husband is going to be 70 next month. He is in good physical shape but has taken up smoking marijuana every day.

He says he is addicted. I have told him how much I hate that he uses dope.

He quits for a while and then goes back to it. We have been married almost 50 years.

I would be disappointed filing for divorce, but I am starting to think it’s my only way out of a situation that has become increasingly frustrating.

His doctor has told him it probably won’t kill him. Seriously?

What’s your advice, Abby? — POTHEAD’S WIFE IN ARIZONA

 

If Pothead’s Wife had sent the same letter to DEAR DAVID the response would have sounded like this:

 

Dear Wife: Your husband tells you he is addicted to weed and doesn’t hide it from you? Well, honey, marriage is all about sharing. Ask any marriage counselor.

Your boy is sharing when he says he likes to smoke the ganj.

Could you share a few other things about him? Does he break out a whole new personality after a few tokes?

Is he suddenly a song and dance man like Sammy Davis, Jr, a singing/songwriting Bob Dylan impersonator, or God forbid, a weed blogger with one hundred and eighty weed posts?

No?

He combines it all and channels Mr. Bojangles?

No?

He gets loaded, lays down, and nothing you do can wake him up until you think he’s dying? Again.

No?

After the longest bong rip of the year, does he call his stoner friends over to play video games?

Or maybe he looks around the house, gets out the vacuum cleaner and duster, puts in a load of laundry, and goes to town cleaning the place before he breaks out the cookbook and makes a delicious dinner for the two of you.

 

Stoner Routine At 70: Dear Pothead’s Wife

Get comfy on the couch and let’s go over a few things.

Does your husband do the ‘Wake And Bake?’

Is he smoking from sun up to sun down, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, like your sex life used to be?

Does he smoke in the house, intentionally exhaling in your face, blowing it in your ear like he and his friends did with the house cat in college?

Does he ignore your very existence through the fog of weed smoke in every room until the alarms go off?

Or, maybe he rolls three joints every day? One for the afternoon, one for after dinner, and one for the back porch in the dark looking at the moon and stars.

There’s another story:

 

After a brush with neck cancer treatment I needed something to break the pain, so I took an oxy pill.

I passed out and woke up feeling worse, with the addition of nausea.

So I took a dose of liquid oxy and had the same results.

I came to the conclusion that I was a poor candidate for opioids.

Oregon weed in a brownie was my last resort, and it changed my outcome.

I went from struggling cancer patient looking at a stay in a nursing home or hospital since I was failing miserably, to recovering cancer patient.

The husband could be doing the ‘Burn And Learn’ version of weed, made famous by Stoners Who Stare, with the idea of knowing more through observation than direct action.

Or they’re too loaded to move. Either way.

 

What Dear Abby Said:

DEAR WIFE: Unless there are other reasons why you want out of your marriage, perhaps you should lighten up.

 

You tell her, Abby.

Lighten up while you still can, don’t even try to understand, just find a place to play your hand.

 

If gambling is a problem for boomers, stoner boomer gambling can’t be good.

Is your husband a gambler? Does he know when to hold ’em, when to folds ’em?

Alcohol can be a boomer problem.

If your husband has a kegerator with a bong-caddie on top, it could be a bad sign.

Let’s add a few things up: smoking weed, drinking, and gambling.

Add the young party girls in their sixties just off their second divorce and watch out.

Now you’ve got a volatile mix with a lit fuse.

More from Abby:

 

Some people smoke marijuana to relax or to relieve tension, depression or even boredom. Do you know why your husband does it on a daily basis, and why you are bothered to the point you are considering divorce?

 

I say some people are creatures of habit. The husband has a habit, a drug habit.

Is it a world shaking drug habit?

Or is it a reconnecting drug habit that links the husband to a time before marriage, kids, jobs, retirement, and facing the black void of existence with no meaningful way of making it make sense?

 

Before talking to an attorney, you might benefit from attending a few Nar-Anon meetings to gain some insight. They’re as near as your computer at nar-anon.org.

 

I added the Portland link for local interest.

Pothead’s wife isn’t overreacting, but she does sound like she watched Reefer Madness a few too many times.

This is the original trailer.

The 1936 film shows how easily marijuana use can lead to debauchery, murder, suicide, and insanity.

 

PS: If your husband smokes weed and doesn’t turn to debauchery, murder, suicide, or insanity, it’s not because you’ve got bad weed and you need to return it to the pot shop, the weed store, or the dealer on the corner.

PSS: If your husband smokes weed before doing house work, yard work, and tidying up the place, don’t tell your girlfriends. But you ought to write Dear David about it.

 

Dear David: My husband/wife smokes weed while he/she does house work, yard work, and cooks dinner before giving me the best massages and cleaning up the kitchen. I’m so frustrated.

Signed, Pothead’s Wife/Husband

 

Dear Pothead’s Husband: Send her over to my house. Or I’ll come to your’s just to watch while we spark a J.