PERFORMANCE DIRECTOR? WHO NEEDS ONE

Performance Director is a job title I saw on a professional sports team.

Those guys need more motivation, more accountability, after playing a game all their lives, making it to college, and signing a pro contract?

What’s that say about the rest of us?

Is there an area in your life that would benefit from having a performance director, or one of the subsets?

A Health Director monitors and suggests better health choices.

You: I’m going down to the store and buy a new gun.

HD: Which store?

You: The gun store, stupid. Where do you think?

HD: I’ve seen them at Bi-Mart.

You: Well I’m getting a real gun, not a Bi-Mart gun.

HD: Need I remind you a Bi-Mart gun that fires a bullet is the same as a gun from Cabela’s.

You: No need, man. I’m getting my Dad a gun for Father’s Day.

HD: Why not make a better health choice?

You: What’s health got to do with it? Pass me my Pepsi and Marlboro’s, would you?

Diet Director

DD: You need more fiber in your diet.

You: More what?

DD: Fiber.

You: I don’t have enough fiber? I can do ten pull-ups. You don’t do that without proper fiber, man.

DD: It’s not the same as . . .

You: I could have stormed the Capitol better than the losers on TV. That’s fiber, bro.

DD: Well,

You: Well what. Like you could do better?

DD: The fiber we’re talking about helps with digestion and elimination.

You: That’s what I’m talking about. I don’t know how you can stomach a stolen election that eliminated the greatest American to ever draw a breath of freedom for all of us.

DD: He’s more of a bowel obstruction, if we’re talking about the man who incited the Jan. 6 insurrection.

You: It’s against the law to speak of the President of the United States like that.

DD: That’s not the president.

You: Like you know.

DD: I know.

You: Where’s my bag of burgers?

Emotional Director

ED: You seem upset.

You: I’m upset that you’re not upset and angry.

ED: About what?

You: People on TV acting like President Trump did something wrong.

ED: He tried to undo an election, then lied about it.

You: No, he didn’t. He was just doing his job.

ED: What if he told you to do something illegal, and you knew it.

You: If my President gave me a direct order as Commander In Chief, I’d have to follow it.

ED: Has any other president given you a direct order?

You: He’s different. Now is different. He’s one of us.

ED: You and Trump are the same?

You: It’s in the Constitution, “All men are created equal.” So, you damn right.

ED: That comes from the Declaration of Independence.

You: Now you’re an expert on the Constitution, too. Figures. Who died and made you king?

Do Need A Performance Director

If you are a married man, a performance director would be redundant.

And, if your wife isn’t getting the job done, you might have questions.

Painful questions.

If you’re married to a problem solver who has everything up to date, what’s next?

You. You’re next. 

It’s you whether you have a problem, think you have a problem, or not.

If you’re a man reading this, you know the drill. 

– How are you, honey?

– Fine.

– Are you sure?

– I’m still fine.

– Why are you rubbing your neck?

– I’m not rubbing my neck.

– What’s this?

If you’re wife can spot a cancer tumor growing on your neck from across the room, that’s the Performance Director you need and want.

Five stars, baby.