MALL HUSBAND AND THE JEWELRY STORE

Mall Husband happens when his wife says she’s going to the mall to finish Christmas shopping.

Finish what?

Husband thinking, ‘The Cowboys and Panthers coming up after a Duck game stomping at Arizona State yesterday is good karma. My kid has my Cowboy gear.’

Wife: Then I’m stopping by New Seasons to finish Thanksgiving shopping.

Husband thinking, ‘Am I one of those stereotypical American men who put television sports ahead of shopping with their wives?’

Wife: I’ll be back later.

Husband: I’m getting my shoes on.

Going to Washington Square early means fewer people. It also means the stores are closed. Not all stores, just the ones you’re going to.

So I donned my holiday apparel and headed out.

 

Wife: Why are you wearing that coat. You never wear it.

Husband: I’m wearing it because it’s not raining and not too cold. First time so far this year.

Wife: I’d call that a Goodwill coat.

Husband: Except it’s not waterproof and not warm. It’s not much of a coat.

Wife: It would be to a naked man.

Husband: A naked man isn’t starting with a coat.

Wife: It would be good for a motorcycle rider.

Husband: Your step-dad was a motorcycle rider. This was his coat.

Wife: It looks a little big on you.

Husband: It’s hard to fill a big man’s coat.

Wife: You volunteered to go to the mall with me. That’s the biggest man I need to see.

Husband: Right here, honey.

 

Mall Husband Face 

This is me having a good time at the mall.

 

Wife: What’s wrong with your face?

Husband: Nothing. What’s wrong with your face.

Wife: You look stricken.

Husband: I forgot to comb my hair.

Wife: Just relax. You look like you’re ready for a fight.

Husband: You want to see me fight? Point to someone and I’ll tell you if I could take ’em.

Wife: This brings out your happy face? Okay, him.

Husband: That’s a skinny kid.

Wife: Too much for you? How about that old lady.

Husband: She’s not as old as she looks and probably knows kung fu fighting.

Wife: Yes, very frightening. I’m going into Macy’s for two things.

Husband: I’ll walk toward Penny’s and back.

Wife: There’s a Highlander store on the left. Go in and try on a helmet.  See if you feel better.

Husband: I’m fine.

Wife: I’ll take your word for it.

 

Bright And Shiny And You And I

Some stores you never go into, store you were never meant to go into. 

Michael Kors has that feeling.

Affordable luxury is the lure.

 

Today, you can wander into one of the brand’s sophisticated boutique stores in almost any of the world’s most notable cities, from London and New York to Milan and Paris, and even Tokyo and Dubai.

 

And Tigard, Washington Square.

 

 

Mall Husband And The Jewelry Store

Another store I avoid? Any jewelry store.

The one on the way out of the mall had an armed guard, a big old armed guard with hawk-eyes and an eagle’s beak.

Formidable.

Wife: How about him?

Me: Him what?

Wife: Could you take him?

Me: Honey, he’s got a gun. I’d have better luck against martial arts grannie and the kid.

Wife: I’m going in to check on something.

 

Me: (nods to the guard)

Guard: I’ve seen that face all day.

Me: Mall husband face?

Guard: Yep.

Me: But I volunteered.

Guard: You didn’t have to come? Amazing.

Me: I could be home watching football or go to the gun range.

Guard: Around here? I don’t know.

Me: There’s a place in Tualatin, Threat Dynamics.

Guard: Oh, I’ve heard of it. I like the place in Vancouver.

 

He described a gun range with a Date Night event.

 

Guard: It drives the Libs crazy.

Me: I’m fine.

 

Looking for a way to spice up your usual date night? On select Fridays every month, we host our own version of date night! Our Date Night package is available all day with no reservations needed. Bring your spouse, best friend, or family member for a night you won’t forget!

Our Date Night Package Includes*:
– A lane to share (1hour)
– 2 targets of your choice

– Rental eye and ear protection 

– A firearm rental to share*

*Ammo not included. If using SafeFire rental firearms, ammo must be purchased through SafeFire.

Price: $50 per couple

 

Mall Husband asks: Who shoots guns for date night? Am I missing something?