PIECES OF A LIFE TOGETHER, AND ‘THE PAST’

If you spend enough time with someone you may eventually get the feeling of living a life, of sharing a life, together.

With that in mind, why wait until the last minute to get, or give, the flowers.

Is there a plan for how to do that?

How do two people put those pieces together?

I’m glad to tell you:

First off, it’s more than just the two of you. It may feel like two against the world, but it’s not.

It includes people from families, friends, and The Past.

The part about The Past is the most fun, the saddest, and usually what defines the present.

Start with acknowledging The Past from time to time.

There it is.

Maybe it’s a picture that reminds you of someone?

You see a picture of Meat Loaf and say, “Doesn’t this guy look like your old boyfriend?’

Don’t do that.

She sees a picture of Donatella Versace and asks, “Does this remind you of anyone you dated?”

 

Work With The Past

I talked to someone who moved back to town.

Okay, it was an email.

The idea was getting together and catching up.

 

Me: Honey, would you mind if I met up with an old friend who moved back in town?

Wife: No, of course not. 

 

Seemed like a good idea for a minute, then the rules of Marrage Husbandry kicked in.

Would we get caught up while sitting at a tiny table in a fancy restaurant, staring at a coffee cup, and applying booze?

Noooo

Besides, it wasn’t too long ago I got the same question after a call from her old friend passing through town.

 

Me: You want to go out on date with your old boyfriend? Maybe sit at a tiny table in a fancy restaurant?

Am I trustful? Am I suspicious? Trustfully suspicious?

This is what I wanted to say:

 

If your old boyfriend is passing through on his way home and wants to see you, he’s either in some twelve-step program and needs to apologize to everyone for his wicked ways, or checking on a flickering flame that might spark up.

He may have changed since 1977, too. If memories from those days are important, why spoil them.

If he shows up fat and drunk and slops over on you from the hug hello, those memories are ruined.

And that’s the best you can hope for. The worst?

If he proves to be a problem, then I’m required to kick his ass as a devout believer in Marriage Husbandry.

 

We Don’t Need That

A life together means remembering where the pieces are and settling with The Past.

You’re going through something, they’re going through something, everyone in the past, the present, and future are all going through something.

Around here we say, “I’m glad it’s you,” which sounds kind of fishy, but it’s the theory that someone with basic human decency could marry someone with the same characteristics and be happy.

That’s a couple who laughs when they call each other ‘an old shoe’ or ‘a piece of furniture.’

Longterm marriages too often slide into a state of stagnant complacency, of not too much, not too little.

That can’t happen if you’re around someone who thinks it’s funny to take a bite out of the cookie before they hand it over, drinks the good seltzer first, and leaves just enough of any left over food to claim they didn’t eat it all.

But that’s just me going through something, like the refrigerator.

When you live with someone long enough something goes wrong; when you think you know someone better than you know anyone else, something goes wrong.

What could go wrong?

 

• After age 32, the odds of divorce increase by 5 percent per year.

• Sometimes it doesn’t get any better than the honeymoon phase.

• Forgiveness can bring about the rise or fall of a marriage.

I got married at thirty-one, so safe on that one.

The honeymoon was a hard launch into solving problems together, and lovey dovey.

From dodging radiated rain from the Chernobyl disaster, to facing a killer storm on Mt. Hood, then the loudest road grader in the world scraping up asphalt in the parking lot outside our our door at the beach, a room with no phone in the room to enhance the tranquillity, we coped and laughed.

Chernobyl, Mt. Hood, and the road grader were all my fault? AH HA HA HA. HA?

Noooooo, but it felt that way when I wanted things to run a little smoother.

 

We Still Cope And Laugh, Not Always In The Same Order

PS: 

If you’re married and think you would have been a good husband or wife to anyone, and who doesn’t, take a moment and tell your partner how glad you are it’s them instead of anyone else.

 

PSS:

If they give you a weird look in return, don’t worry. It’s normal. They’re thinking, ‘who else would it be?’

Meat Loaf? Donatella Versace?