NEW NAKED GYM GUY BOUNDARIES UPDATE, 2023

 

You have boundaries; naked gym guy needs boundaries. 

Who sets the boundaries?

Two normal people join a gym: one of them works out and goes home, the other works out and showers at the gym.

Then it breaks down further.

Two people shower at the gym: sweaty guys and those who like to shower with sweaty guys.

It’s all in the same package, (excuse the pun.)

A current trend explains why so many people, like millennials, are uncomfortable in the gym locker room.

There’s good reasons why everyone feels a little, say, exposed.

Here’s how to figure it out and relax:

Ink:

Never look at a naked gym guy’s tattoo.

Chances are good it comes with a history, lots of history. Do you want to spend the next half hour listening to it? But, since you asked, you’re obligated to stand around while a naked guy maps it all out.

And they explain with lots of gestures swinging around. Take a step back.

One guy had his entire life tattooed all over after he got out of prison. Said he did it to balance things out, then went into detail about why he was in prison to begin with.

He even had media references to check. To check or not to check?

Look, you have a life. Do you really want to take the dark journey through tatty guy’s ups and downs if you don’t have to?

If you’ve got a load of ink yourself, you’ll probably exchange stories, like dog people who stop other dog people for a sniff.

Birthmarks:

Even if it looks like Montana or Delaware, just keep quiet.

If you notice something weird about it, someone else has too.

Talking about birthmarks to a naked gym guy might be trouble. For you.

So shut up when you see California running down some guy’s leg.

There is one exception: If the birthmark is somehow incorporated into an artistic rendition of Portland, you might want to hear about it. I did.

The Rash:

Open sores don’t belong in public places, especially naked man spaces. Naked gym guy boundaries are most important here.

Yeah, yeah, you’re not bleeding. That’s great. We’re happy for you but that doesn’t mean head for the hot tub, pool, and shower.

Stay home until you get better. Heal, brother.

Add a little bag balm or a small ocean of calamine lotion for that poison ivy.

Wash Rag:

A locker room shower is the last place you want to lather up and let it soak in.

First, it’s a gym shower for hundreds of skeevy gym rats. Like you and me.

And it takes a long time to soap up and rinse. Don’t mistake your shower stall for a spa. It’s not the place to exfoliate yourself.

If foaming up is your deal, get used to things like, “You look like a Yeti.” Or, “Hey Sasquatch, use more conditioner.”

Shower Brush:

See Wash Rag.

The Shave:

It’s going to happen and you’ll be stunned. Every time.

Naked man staring in the mirror while he shaves.

He’s right there at the sink. Barefoot. You can almost see foot fungus crawling up his toes.

After he finishes his face he smears shaving butter all over his chest like basting a turkey.

Where does the public shaving stop? Don’t stick around to find out.

The Dresser:

This is the area that stops all discomfort. If you know what to do, everything else is easy.

After a workout you walk into the locker room fiddling with your padlock key, a knot in your short’s drawstring, anything to fake-focus your attention. Do not glance around. No matter how fast you look, the experienced naked gym guy is faster. 

They practice.

So you’ll need something relevant to fiddle with, a place to put your eyes besides old men following their old gym guy habits.

Here’s your new habit:

Open your locker and drop your thongs on the floor as loud as you can.

Take your shoes and socks off and step into the thongs. Put your shoes into a plastic bag so they don’t rub gym floor scum stuff around in the locker. Extra points for being considerate.

Don’t sit on the benches. Ever. See the naked guy sitting where another man had just put his footed shoe after a trip to the urinal? Don’t let that be you. Whatever was on that shoe is on his ass.

Pull off your shirt, keep your shorts on, and head for the shower. Since your shorts are also a swimsuit, you’re covered. Remind yourself to get a swimsuit that looks like gym shorts.

Wash and rinse as much as you can in thirty seconds, rinse your shorts and spin them out. Head back to your locker carrying your swimsuit in front of you. You’re not on the catwalk, strutter.

Pull your towel out and dry off fast and rough. This is your exfoliating moment. Get into it like a whip.

Now for the most important part of naked gym boundaries: put on your underwear first thing.

If you put on a shirt first it’ll probably hang low enough to cover your junk. You don’t want to have a conversation with a guy in his nightie. Next thing you know you’re talking about tattoos, they’re waving their arms around, and make a big deal when their little dog peeks out.

It’s not an accident, but a test.

And you don’t want to be that guy. Undies first.

Then pull the rest of your clothes on, pants, shirt, then take a look in the mirror to make sure there’s no snot smear on your face, and beat it.

There’s nothing to fear in there if you follow these easy naked gym boundary steps.

Naked Gym Guy Update

Ever since cancer treatment in 2017 I’ve had an aversion to the pool, the sauna, and the hot tub. Two years later I’m over it.

And it hasn’t changed one bit. There’s the old gym guy drying his gootch so long you’d think he had an irrigation system installed.

There’s the guy laying on the bench, the same bench I saved a man from dying on. 

“Are you dead?” I asked the man who couldn’t move.

The man was laying down with his eyes closed.

“Hey,” I said louder. “Can you hear me? Are you dead or what?”

“I’m not dead.”

“You look dead.”

“If I was dead we wouldn’t be talking,” he said.

Sharp guy.

“If you were dead I’d be pounding your chest until your heart started or I broke all of your ribs.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“CPR.”

“That’s not CPR.”

“That’s the CPR you’ll get if I see you passed out on the bench.”

“Is this supposed to be funny?”

“What’s funny is I saved a guy’s life after he tried to die on that same bench you’re one.”

“But he didn’t die.”

“And neither did you.”

“I’m not sick.”

“You will be if you keep laying down in here. Right where you are a big naked guy sat. His butt was right where your head is,” I said.

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care if butt grease makes you bald?”

He wasn’t moving, but he opened his eyes.

“What?”

“Science says the oils from an old man’s ass makes your hair fall out, and the last guy sitting where your head is was pretty slicked up.”

My gym guy sat up and started rubbing the back of his head.

“I haven’t heard that,” he said.

“Might want some extra strength shampoo today.”

“Do you have any?”

“No, but then I don’t lay around in butt sweat.”

“Is this true?”

“No, but I did save the guy. By the way, have you had those moles checked out?”

He had quite an array.

“Yes. They are not deadly, just annoying.”

“Maybe you’ll so something about it.”

“Like what?”

“Like get them checked and if they’re not killers, get them removed. Google drmolepdx.”

“If I had a couple of more moles in the right places I’d have the Big Dipper back there. Can you see it?”

“No.”

Post Covid Update

We’ve been through the past year, year and a half?

How did it go?

Did you get the vaccine? If not, look into it.

Have you stayed in touch with your conditioning? I’m now a free gym member, but I haven’t returned. I’m going to, but so far I’m keeping up in the garage.

You too?

Since this piece first posted it’s become one of the most read posts on this blog.

The top post was a fluke day of traffic from reddit. #2 gets it done with organic search.

A previous #1 dealt with the Aztec calendar, which seemed a little weird. Who knew so many were caught up in the end of the world predicted by ancient wisdom.

Check out the list above and read a few of the top posts. I hit it everyday so it’s easy to miss, but those listed are long-tail winners.

I’d like to know what you think while you’re here. Leave a comment.