MASK WEARING GIG LINE DANCE vs YOUR FREEDOM

First, mask wearing is not a gig line violation. What is a gig line: put your finger on your chin and drop it straight down in a line that ends at the bottom of your crotch.

Go ahead, I’ll wait. Chin to crotch, a straight line from top to bottom. Got it? Good.

A gig line violation in some lines of work brings a violent reaction. What lines of work, you ask? How violent? Let’s do a role modeling demonstration you can perform at home. Ready?

(If you wonder what a gig line has to do with mask wearing, please continue?)

Iron a pair of cotton trousers and a long sleeve cotton shirt with heavy start. Stiffen the heck out it.

Uncomfortable flattened material with sharp edges are important to the process of a gig line demonstration for mask wearing awareness.

Now, find a belt with a solid front buckle. Don’t worry about shining it up, but your were thinking of it, right? Save the Brasso, brother.

Go ahead and get dressed in this suit of starched armor. Force the buttons through the button holes, tuck the tails in, and tighten that belt. Tighten it an extra notch for the full effect.

Gig Line Mask Wearing Inspection

What follows is a common practice in the U.S. Army boot camp stage of soldiering. Find a full length mirror to stand in front and clear your throat. Repeat these words:

“Who gave you permission to walk this earth like a piece of sh!t that just won’t flush, trainee? You can’t toe the line, stand in line, or even get a gig line straight.

“Did your momma forget to tell you about a gig line? Did daddy forget to help his little soldier when it mattered most? And that’s why you stand here like the waste of space they raised. Do you hear me, trainee?

“Let me help do what they couldn’t do.”

When you repeat those words you don’t have to yell so hard that you spit on the mirror, but that would be extra credit.

Give yourself a steely glare in the mirror, like you see the reflection as the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen. It might take some practice before you move on. But, moving on . . .

Grab yourself roughly by the font of your collar and use the sharp edge of the starched fabric to saw into your neck until it turns red. Try not to draw blood.

“People like you need a reminder that the gig line begins at the top. Now you’ve got the map coordinates on your neck.”

Let go of your collar and move your hand down to the center of your starched wall of a shirt. Grab the front hard enough to pinch skin with your entire hand, and pull the shirt tails out of your pants.

Accidentally hit yourself in the face when you let go.

“This is the long part of the gig line, trainee, a straight line. If your gig line was a map it would lead straight to the sh!tter you crawled out of. Do your hear me?”

Do The Gig Line Dance

By now you’ve got a raw rope burned feeling on your neck, a horse bite on your belly, and a bloody nose. Good job.

Grab your belt by the buckle and yank it up as hard as you can to the right, then the left.

Repeat.

With your other hand, grab the front of your shirt again, remembering to grip enough skin for another horse bite bruise, and shake your shirt and pants in opposite directions.

Keep twisting until you feel the starched material sanding away your skin and churning your grundle enough to make butter. It sounds painful because it is painful.

Finish up with one last blast in the mirror:

“Do you like this dance, tiny dancer? Is that what you are, what you want to be? King of Dance? You might make it, but until you put on the leotard, keep a straight gig line. That’s what you do, what I’m telling you to do, what you’re going to do.

“From now on, DO IT!”

For more extra credit, drop and give yourself twenty.

Was all of this unnecessary? Of course not, but it happens to instill fear and discipline. Your gig line could be perfect and you’d still get the treatment.

How does a gig line drill compare to mask wearing? No one’s going to tell you what to do, gig line or masking up, but the drill gives an idea of what it takes to nail good habits.

Mandatory mask wearing? What’s the drill there? Loop a mask strap behind one ear, then the other, and pinch the metal strip. Done.

Am I telling you something you don’t know, telling you what to do, giving you directions to follow? Interpret it anyway that works, but yes, I am asking, politely. This is me:

“Please wear a mask and conform to public health notices on social distancing. Not like this lady.”

The lady is an Oregonian who made news around the world. From dailymail.co.uk:

An incoming Oregon county commissioner has vowed to hold a Thanksgiving dinner for ‘as many family and friends’ as she can find as she refuses to obey the governor’s strict stay-at-home orders and the six-person limit on gatherings.  

And:

Meanwhile, cases in Clackamas County set a new record with 669 new infections in the second week of November, which is the latest information from the county. The rise in cases also includes a 14-person outbreak at the Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office. 

Me again: “Do the right thing. Wear a mask.”

Thank you. Pass this valuable link around. Save a life. Maybe your own. Do you hear me?