PLACING BLAME IN THE RIGHT PLACE

What’s the best way of placing blame?

Pointing a finger?

Yelling?

Or checking to make sure there’s anyone or anything to blame?

What about the blameless among us who’ve never done anything wrong?

That last one is the whopper of placing blame since no one is perfect.

It’s just that some people see themselves as above reproach, which is a grand whopper.

Above reproach? Please. This is where the problems start.

If you are a proven fuck-up, an established piece of shit, then you need to work harder than anyone to deflect blame that comes your way.

“It isn’t me, it couldn’t have been me, I wasn’t even there,” is a nice try until video says different, until witnesses say different, then it’s up a jury to sort you out.

If they say it was you, and only you, and they’ve seen video and heard witnesses all explain what was going on when you found trouble, you’ve got a problem.

But what if it’s a jury of one, your wife or husband?

 

Accusational Partners

In the early days of dating, think high school and college, you get an unfettered view of dysfunctional behavior.

If you’ve got a trippy boyfriend dropping acid every other day and wants you to join in, wants you to see the universe that’s opening up to them with every tab of blotter, every dose of micro-dot, they might have a problem that’s only going to get worse.

I got dumped in college for that guy. It wasn’t a bad break-up.

“I want to go out with the guy at the end of the hall on your dorm floor. He doesn’t know it yet so we can still keep seeing each other.”

Seeing each other? I’d seen and heard enough to walk away, but I still lived in the dorm. When they started dating I’d see them in the hallway.

She was a good girl, he was a guy with a Triumph Trident motorcycle, so it made perfectly good sense.

He was in and I was out. I placed blame on both of them.

Was it hard hearing him start his motorcycle and watch them saddle up and ride off together?

It’s not like I wished they’d crash, but it crossed my mind.

Besides, by then I’d had hard earned experience getting dumped.

The year before I’d walked high school graduation with my steady girl, but we weren’t steady any longer.

Like other kids in school we broke up and got back together, but this time it would never happen.

She’d married her new guy the day before graduation, and she was carrying his baby.

I grew up fast with that news.

Her new guy offered to come to my house and beat me up in front of my mom, so I knew they would be fine together.

Could he take me? I don’t think so, but if a fight happened I don’t know if I’d stop in time once things got out of hand.

If I took him down and commenced to deliver an all-time beatdown on my yard in front of my mom, she might decide to save the guy and bring out the big club and use it on me.

Doesn’t every family have a club handy for just such emergencies?

Ours was a tree branch with a pitch-ball on one end from my logger grandpa.

It was a joke gift, but I’m not sure everyone got the joke.

It’s hanging in my garage today in case things get out of hand around here.

 

Placing Blame With Drinks At The Club

Last night I had two drinks, slurred a word, and woke up today painted in the colors of a chronic drunk.

My drinks consist of a full glass of ice and tequila poured up to the ring, which is two shots. (I measured it once so I could skip the shot glass.)

Followed by orange juice to the brim.

I made two for them, both for me, one after the other like I’d planned.

A drinking plan is important for a happy marriage, especially if one of the people knows the value of complaining and blaming.

We’d been to the liquor store for gin and decided to restock the bar, which made sense.

The tequila bottle I poured from was nearly empty and who needs a near empty bottle crowding the shelf?

So two drinks were the plan, which I executed flawlessly.

We watched TV together before calling it a night and turning in.

Then the wake up this morning.

After enough experience with hangovers, I know when I’ve had too much.

No, I’ve never found myself waking up in another house, a motel, or in the car.

On the couch? Yes. Hungover for two days? Yes. Can’t remember the last thing I ate, what was on TV, and how I got to bed? Not last night.

My clothes were where I put them, my teeth brushed, and I woke up clear and bright as an Oregon day.

It rained and showered yesterday, but you get my drift.

Last night wasn’t the start of a destructive bender, or any kind of bender. I’m a North Bender, not a boozed out bender king.

But you’d never know it from what I heard.

It wasn’t just placing blame, it was an attempted teardown.

Am I torn down? I am not. Did I make excuses like an alcoholic?

Nope, just the facts. How could I be in a stupor if I recall what was for dinner, what was on TV, and got ready for bed?

Two drinks mixed with overreaction, fear, and control issues.

Yes, I’ve had minor alcohol related incidents, as my kids like to remind me.

They like bringing up the time I went to the Oregon Brewers Festival, drank Amnesia Ale, and blacked out after I got a ride home.

Or as I like to say, the truth was in the labeling. I got temporary amnesia, which if you’ve never experienced it, makes a laundry hamper look a lot like a toilet.

But enough of that.

If you have to defend your drinking habits, stick to the facts as you know them.

 

The Facts:

Alcohol is a carcinogen.

Alcohol in the body turns into acetaldehyde, then acetate.

And more: 

 

The consequences of alcohol metabolism include oxygen deficits (i.e., hypoxia) in the liver; interaction between alcohol metabolism byproducts and other cell components, resulting in the formation of harmful compounds (i.e., adducts); formation of highly reactive oxygen-containing molecules (i.e., reactive oxygen species [ROS]) that can damage other cell components; changes in the ratio of NADH to NAD⁺ (i.e., the cell’s redox state); tissue damage; fetal damage; impairment of other metabolic processes; cancer; and medication interactions. Several issues related to alcohol metabolism require further research.

After alcohol is swallowed, it is absorbed primarily from the small intestine into the veins that collect blood from the stomach and bowels and from the portal vein, which leads to the liver. From there it is carried to the liver, where it is exposed to enzymes and metabolized.

 

Placing blame on someone for their behavior, someone  you care about, is a good sign.

It’s not in the same league as nagging and bullying because they care and they know you.

My doctor says alcohol abuse can lead to a variety of cancers. So does the CDC:

Some studies show that drinking three or more alcoholic drinks per day increases the risk of stomach and pancreatic cancers. There is also evidence that drinking alcohol increases the risk for prostate cancer.

All alcoholic drinks, including red and white wine, beer, and liquor, are linked with cancer.

Don’t drink at all if you—

• Are under the legal drinking age.

• Are pregnant or may be pregnant.

• Have health problems that could be made worse by drinking.

• Are doing things like driving that could be dangerous with alcohol.

• Are recovering from an alcohol use disorder or find it hard to control the amount you drink.

 

In other words, have a plan before you start drinking, or don’t start.

And listen to your wife.

Or mine. She knows things.