HOME SECURITY MISTAKES, SOME TO AVOID, SOME TO DO

Your home is your castle, so where’s the moat and draw bridge?

The longer you hang around gun people, the more you learn about guns.

And them.

If you’re not a gunner, but appreciate weapons, you also learn where you sound like an idiot.

Strangely enough, this happened recently.

1. You talk to a gun friend. They ask about guns, your guns, and how available they are in an emergency.

In your most manliest voice you say, “I’m twenty seconds from knock-knock to lock and load. OORAH.”

They are impressed and ask what kind of gun. Glock? Ruger? You say pellet gun.

Then you go home and review those twenty seconds. Guns and ammo separated on the first floor? Check.

Except they are near the main entrances so you’ll have to get past intruders to lock and load.

In general, intruders aren’t the most polite company.

Don’t plan on asking them to stand back while you take a moment to strap on a hog leg.

Better planning: If you’re meeting force with force, it’s best to have your force ready before you get started.

2. Your gun friend sees the problem and asks about back up. You puff your chest out and say, “I’ve got a dog, man. Home invaders are afraid of dogs. They’ll invade the next house without a dog once they hear mine bark.”

Unfortunately your friend knows you have a miniature dachshund, not a killer dog.

They asked about your minnie wienie in front of strangers. The last protective thing your dog did was take a dump on the rug near the front door.

That’ll scare badasses off once they invade? You make plans to get a full sized wiener dog sooner than later.

3. Since most of your friends talk too much, they keep at it and ask if you’ve got an escape plan from your upstairs bedroom.

Escape plan? The gun is a fail. So is the dog. Your only chance is running away?

You’ve got the rolled up rope fire ladder with hooks to place over a window frame? No.

You’ve got a knotted rope and a secure tie-off? Huh uh.

In a good match for your gun and dog, you say, “I’ve got bed sheets. Tie them together and out I go.”

One sheet is fitted and you don’t sleep on a king-sized bed. Tying pillow cases together won’t work. Or shirts.

Your beer t-shirts aren’t any stronger than Kirkland’s brand, no matter what you think.

You mention your wife’s bra drawer as an option. “They’re almost impossible to unhook and they’re strong enough to hold boulders.”

Your good friend reminds you you’re not in junior high anymore.

How do you protect your house and loved ones? Install an alarm system? Start a neighborhood watch?

Great ideas, but your pal goes one-up on you. Again.

“The best home security is living next to someone who’s been to prison and changed their life. I had a neighbor in a higher crime part of town. No one had problems on our street because my neighbor kept up with the news. Potential home invaders knew where he lived and knew enough to fear him. He was a scary guy, but we were friends.”

And that’s the best solution for home security.

Know your neighbors. Do you agree?