DUII FOR MILLENNIALS: THE MOVIE

What’s The ‘You’ In DUII For Millennials?

You’ve seen the ad on TV? The drunk driving ad?

Two young couples out for a good time.

Jackets and ties and ladies in nice dresses.

Laughing, drinking.

Probably have babysitters waiting to go home.

More laughing.

Then the drive home. The police roadblock. Nobody funny now.

The driver fails his sobriety test.

A policeman eases him into the back of a cruiser and pulls away.

The camera closes in on a confused man struggling with the situation.

A voice reminds us that buzzed driving is drunk driving.

It’s a good warning; deserves its own neon.

What happens next?

Find out on DUII For Millennials.

Works like this:

You drive home after beers with a date and make a wrong turn in a new town. The speed limit drops but you don’t notice.

You’re listening to smart phone directions and get pulled over for speeding.

The window isn’t cracked for beer breath.

“Have you been drinking?”

Do this:

Go through the steps of the arrest obediently and you might find your car parked nearby.

It’s a street bonus in the system. Don’t make the cop’s job harder than it has to be.

Get belligerent and your car goes to some impound lot with a $600 price tag when you find it.

Choose wisely.

DUII For Millennials gets more expensive by the minute.

You’ll cruise in the cruiser before pulling into the county jail lot. This is not an opportunity to explain your feelings about his line of work.

Move along quietly.

Are jail workers happier seeing you than you are seeing them? It just seems that way. This isn’t curbside service at the Hilton.

There isn’t a trophy and a juice box here. It’s jailers playing on their field.

Unless you’re a veteran of these sort of things, fear is a real factor. If this is your first tour of DUII For Millennials it feels like bad just got worse.

An old Esquire article tried to answer the question: Will I Get Raped In Jail?

Their answer for short sentences in the county pen was ‘probably.’

Hardcore types might see every arrest as part of doing business in their hardcore life.

They know how to ‘do time’ and settled in.

Punks might try some attitude.

Hardcore types have seen punk attitude and don’t care.

Jailers have seen even more. They’re ready to play Break A Punk.

We had a little drill back in my Army Medic days.

If a big-shot came in with an ‘I don’t have time, make it snappy or else’ attitude, this happened:

He had to wear the paper gown; got his blood drawn by a trainee; had his hearing tested in a booth…three times; received three EKGs because the first two ‘printed odd.’

By the end they were broken men.

Don’t be a punk in DUII For Millennials.

You’ll get finger printed and photographed. Don’t smile like Justin Bieber.

Move through the processing without incident. Ignore comments that don’t apply to you.

Rise to the bait and the jailers know they’ve got a lively one. Don’t volunteer to be the bitch.

Next stop is a cement room with cement benches and one toilet for you and the other nine prisoners in the drunk tank.

There’s one place that looks empty. Do you take it? Or stand in the middle of the room?

Get cozy on the rock with lights glaring overhead and a wind chill factor air conditioner blowing on you.

You can’t get comfortable? Neither can anyone else. You’re not supposed to.

Whether you took the breath test and blew slightly over, or three times the limit, you’re in jail.

Contain your rage and the feelings of lashing out. Jailers see that as part of the Break A Punk game.

Stick to the script of DUII For Millennials.

If you play your part you’ll make a phone call early the next morning for a ride.

Skip the phone call and you’ll find yourself hungover, exhausted, and lost.

Call someone even if it means more humiliation.

True friends and good family won’t rub it in. At least not right away.

Do you go to work that day or call in sick? You feel like a zombie. You look like one, too.

A night on the concrete under convulsion causing light and a blue norther of refrigerated air for a blanket? And you didn’t sleep well?

Stay home and sleep it off. The worst part is over.

Or so you think. You’re not feeling very thoughtful so you can’t be sure the worst is over.

How do you like it now?

“My parents said don’t get in the car with a drunk driver, and I got in with myself.”

Part II: Court Date Of DUII For Millennials.