‘DOING RESEARCH’ AND OTHER EXCUSES

What counts as doing research?

For writers it’s an easy answer: Everything is research.

And because everything is research, the trick is finding what matters more.

Is it writing about where you are, how you feel, the people you’re with?

The correct answer? All of the above.

This particular evening stands out for a few reasons:

It was a party in Santa Monica with my wife’s high school friends.

The hostess was a restaurant supply professional.

They had a pet snake.

 

I’ve met a lot of people from my wife’s circle of friends.

More than a circle, there is a group of ladies who plan things together.

The Santa Monica party was a girl’s gathering, except this time they brought their dudes with them.

I’d only met a few of the guys before, but they all knew each other.

As an experienced hand in meeting new guys, I was friendly and a good listener.

I remind myself to be a better listener to get it right instead of waiting for someone to stop talking, or take a breath, so I can roll out my own version polite conversation.

You never know what might set people off, and I didn’t want to find out what that might be.

I started out with a goal in mind. Doesn’t everyone have party goals?

Since I was driving my father in-laws Trans-Am T-top I limited the booze.

Since the hostess had access to great food I didn’t plan to limit that.

And since I was the odd man out from Oregon, I wanted to leave a good impression.

Then the host said, “Do you want to meet our snake?”

My internal voice said, ‘Oh hell no, that’s the last thing I want to do.’

My external voice: “Okay.”

“You’ll want to see Nume eat.”

Me:

 

One Big Snake

Bobby led the way to the upstairs bedroom where the big snake was coiled up in a big cage.

It looked nice enough, like you’d see in a zoo, or exotic pet store.

If I had taken the snake yoga class at HISSSS I would have been better prepared.

As it was, I sat on the couch after visiting the snake when the host decided to bring it down to the party room.

No one seemed to think it unusual, so I didn’t either. Just a snake.

But I couldn’t shake the idea that the snake had an eye on me.

Did I mention to the group that I wasn’t a snake guy? That they creeped me out? That they look like an intestine with a head?

Nooooo.

Could a snake smell fear?

That’s what was on my mind as Nume circled the room, turned the corner on the far end, and headed toward the couch.

 

Stay Calm, Have Beer Bottle In Hand

I stayed calm with the silent pledge to apply a Heineken bottle if things got out of hand with the snake, or anyone else.

The dudes were all watching the new guy, me, interact with Nume.

Nice snakey. I pet the snake, hoping that was a good move.

But mostly I was hoping it would go back to its cage.

Time passed slowly, snake got bored and moved on off my crotch.

If you’ve never had a snake cuddle, it’s different.

Just ask any animal that gets a good squeeze.

So I passed the test, the snake test, didn’t get weird and lock myself in the bathroom, though I thought of it.

Everyone went back to socializing, drinking, talking, eating, and the snake went back upstairs.

 

PS:

You only get one chance to make a first impression on a snake, and the impression I wanted to give was, ‘I’m not a snack.’

 

PSS:

If you feel uncertain around big snakes, you’re not the only one.

A few months later the Santa Monica couple woke up to an empty cage.

Escaped snake on the loose.

The lady of the house locked herself in the bathroom, which seemed like a reasonable response, until they found it.

After searching high and low they found it coiled behind the headboard of their bed.

Sweet dreams? No, they sold the snake to a pet store the next day.

Later they learned that a movie production company bought it.

Nume night be a movie star? I check the credits in movies with snakes.

So far, nothing. But when I do see it in the credits it will be on my list of movie stars I’ve met.

It’ll be a short list of one.