PORTLAND INSURGENTS ON THE MOVE

Portland insurgents need careful constant monitoring.

They are as unpredictable in their actions as a local weather forecast.

One minute everything is nice and peaceful, then they unleash more hell than the battles in Gladiator.

Their weapons of choice are either beak, or wing.

Once they get close enough to strike, it’s too late for their victims.

 

They developed the stealth maneuvers over years of planning, evolution, and execution.

One if by land, two if by sea, three if by wing.

No one suspects anything.

At first.

 

A Water Attack

By way of effective planning, the Portland insurgents have a three pronged attack.

They can float up, waddle up, or fly in for the Trifecta.

After taking Portland by storm, the bridges that connect east and west will be shut down due to emergency measures.

But it won’t thwart the enemy within.

They also have a navy.

 

 

Once they saddle up, fire up the engines, and cast off, they will spread feathers and crap from Oregon City to Kelly Point.

The entire metro area will be under attack with no place to hide unless you get out early.

At the first whiff of total aggression in the wind, run for your lives.

 

 

This smoldering scene of devastation and ruin could have been worse for the two people who evacuated.

Unfortunately they were arrested for the crime of leaving mimosa’s unattended and undrunk.

It’s an ordinarily unenforced law that went on the books in the mid-seventies, but the law is the law, and it lands heaviest on men who don’t finish their lady’s drink.

As you can see by the bomb craters, and trail of steamer clam shells, no one was spared.

 

A Shaking City Awaits Its Fate

Like Los Angeles and Memphis and Chicago before them, war tornPortland is in full retreat.

Every street is a one way street out of town with busses packed with business casual refugees headed for the safe harbor of Vancouver.

The electricity is down, leaves blown off the trees, and the streets a zigzag of potholes worse than Berlin at the end of WWII.

Sensible people are doing the only sensible thing during this crisis of constitutional awareness declared by those with a handy copy in their shirt pocket for legal reference:

Buy a new hat then find a place to watch the Jackson Tower fall in flames.

What time is it?

Time to wake up and smell the new Rose City fragrance of bad breath and pepper spray to help people understand what they need to do.

 

 

A lot of people don’t understand the importance of proper headgear in an emergency.

In a combination of Panama hats from Ecuador and kevlar, style and protection meet on the Portland corner of SW Broadway and Salmon.

You want to shop at John Helmer Haberdasher for the right fit, one that won’t mess your hair up while diving for cover in a doorway.

You’ll get what you pay for, and no one wants mussy hair when you’re on the run.

 

The Best Portland Move

Pack your essentials, hook the wagon to your Hyundai, and hightail it out of town.

There’s no time to waste on legal opinions and remedies while the city burns.

Besides, a true leader is smarter than doctors, judges, and you, so why not shut up and fall in line.

 

After the Portland menace is quelled, after every voice of dissent quieted, then comes the calm everyone desires with every fiber of their being.

It’s quiet enough for the real leaders to speak their truth and know it’s understood completely by the populace.

By appearing together in the seat of power they enhance their message of love and understanding.

 

 

“We only want what’s best for you.”

“This hurts us more than it hurts you.”

“You won’t understand this now, but you will when you get older.”

 

If this sounds familiar it’s because they are the same words baby boomers, Portland baby boomers, LA Boomers, most every boomer, heard from their parents.

It doesn’t matter if you’re seventeen or seventy, these are words to heed from the great father in Washington.

How great is the great father in Washington?

Ask his kids, ask his minions.

For the best response, ask the women who do his bidding, who hold him first on the tip of their tongues.

They have a taste for the extra work they’re asked to do.

You don’t even have to ask and they’ll still gush praise for the man, the big daddy, the best of them all.

 

PS: The City of Portland has a long history of partnership with the federal government. That’s getting tougher, as the White House issues orders that clash with our values – and the law. Learn how Portland is standing up for our community while we work with our federal partners.

 

PSS: The learning curve is steep for those who live a life of service people awaiting their beck and call. As all soft old men know, we need help for the helpers when they insist on doing more than asked for.