CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE IN THREE PARTS

Civil disobedience arrived the night I was standing in front of an Army barracks listening to an order from a captain.

“First Platoon report.”

I was the leader of the fourth platoon during a middle of the night fire drill where things didn’t go well.

“Fourth platoon, report.”

The proper answer was, “All present and accounted for, sir.”

What if guys fell down the stairs and couldn’t get up?

“All present an accounted for, sir.”

What if guys ran into poles and knocked themselves out?

“All present and accounted for, sir.”

First through third platoon said it like they didn’t have anyone missing in formation.

As if I was the only one who had uncoordinated misfits who couldn’t navigate a stairwell in the dark?

“Fourth platoon, report.”

What did I say? Nothing.

After a couple more calls, the captain added, “What the hell is going on down there, Drill Sergeant Easterling?”

He walked out to me.

Drill Sergeant Easterling: Answer the captain.

Me: We’re not all present and accounted for, Drill Sergeant. My guys didn’t all make it down.

Captain: Fourth platoon, report.

Drill Sergeant: Answer the captain. Tell him we’re all present and accounted for.

Me: We’re not all present and accounted for, Drill Sergeant.

Captain: What’s the problem? Fourth platoon, report.

Drill Sergeant: All present and accounted for, sir.

That was the Army way.

That night marked the end of my time as Platoon Guide and the first time I spoke to power, or didn’t speak to power.

Felt good.

The guys in the platoon liked that I stood up for them when I didn’t have to.

It was a good lesson for a nineteen year old strapper.

Civil Disobedience, Part Two

I took on the job as caregiver for my ailing father in-law in my fifties.

I became a sandwich generation Portland Oregon baby boomer caregiver of the heroic kind.

Whatever kind of man he had been, my father in-law was now a Parkinson’s patient with dementia.

It was serious work moving him into the house and keeping a semblance of normalcy with my wife, two teenagers, and his wife.

The first thing we did was get a dog.

I can’t say it was all smooth sailing, but from outward appearances, it was pretty smooth.

That was my goal, but the ordeal of the matter was still wearing.

After the first three years we, wife, kids, and I, took a trip. A big trip six weeks long.

We found foster care in town, put grandpa in there with the idea my mother in-law would visit every day like she did wherever he’d been with his illness.

We left.

He lasted one day, took a fall, went to the hospital, then a local nursing home.

I heard about it six weeks later when I got back home.

The neglect at the nursing home spiraled him down to the point they wouldn’t release him back to me because he was in unstable medical condition.

He looked awful. So I cooked up a plan for civil disobedience.

2

First, I made an appointment with his doctor and the nursing home transported grandpa there in a wheelchair van.

I met him there with his wife who I hadn’t shared the plan with.

Doctor: I’m not sure why you made an appointment, David.

Me: I’d like you to release my father in-law to my care.

Doctor: He is very frail.

Me: Yes, he is. I’d like you to release him to me.

The doctor called the nursing home. They reviewed the records and declined to release.

Doctor: They agree with me that your father in-law is too frail to release to you.

Me: Ordinarily, they’d be right, but as you know, I brought this old man home to die three years ago. He’s not as frail today as he was then. Could you try again?

Doctor: They would give the same answer as nothing has changed in the past five minutes since I called.

3

Me: I found him abandoned in an overheated back hallway in a wheelchair, bent in half with his chest on his thighs. He was ignored by the air conditioned front desk.

Doctor: Yes, these are trying times.

Me: I agree, so let’s try this: call the police and have me arrested and marched out of here. I want this old man to know I gave him my best shot.

Doctor: I don’t think we need to go that far.

Me: I’ll go out the back way so avoid any disturbance in your waiting room. This man needs to know someone cares about him.

Doctor: I don’t think we need the police involved.

Me: Then anyone in a uniform. I saw a parking attendant. Bring him in and I’ll leave with him like I’m arrested. My father in-law can either go with me, or I’ll leave with a uniformed guard of some kind. Either way, I’m getting him out of that hellhole masquerading as a nursing home.

Doctor: I see. Let me make another call.

Me: Call 911 non-emergency and let’s get a real policeman. He deserves that much. I won’t make a scene.

4

The doctor left the room, made a call, and returned.

I put my hands out in front of me.

Me: It would be better if I left in handcuffs.

Doctor: That won’t be necessary. Ken has been released to you.

Me: Thank you, and I apologize for the drama.

Doctor: Your father in-law is a very lucky man.

Me: I’m the lucky one. Kenny, we’re going home. Get ready. Daisy is waiting.

Today, that same doctor is now my doctor. Circle of life?

Marriage Civil Disobedience

A disagreement or misunderstanding in marriage is cause for civil disobedience?

That would be a rookie mistake.

Instead, when things get sideways, do a reset.

Marriage reset?

Stop talking the stupid shit that landed you in a ditch and start listening.

If one of you is having a fragile moment it’s not the time to bring up everything from everywhere all at once.

At the same time, you don’t need to accept blame for every past problem that your partner is feeling in a fragile time.

We’ve all had ups and downs and in the long run we need to be there for the entire ride, not just the fun parts.

Over time you’re going to hear things that have nothing to do with you and more to do with their upbringing, their choice of past partners, and general dismay.

Call it a bad mood, but deal with it.

Try being agreeable, but not overly agreeable.

Wife: So you’re just going to disengage?

Husband: No, I’m agreeing with you. There’s a difference.

Keep quiet enough to see where things stand.

Are they unhappy that you disagree with them?

Unhappy that you agree with them?

Are they more disappointed to be stuck with you instead of one of their loser boyfriends that lied, cheated, and stole from them?

Review whether or not you ever lied, cheated, or stole from them first.

2

During your quiet marriage reset, find a book to read.

One book not to read? Pat Conroy’s Beach Music.

Do you want to read about a depressed man visiting his dysfunctional family after his wife’s suicide?

I don’t think so.

The first person protagonist blames his parents, siblings, and the culture he was raised in for his wife’s death.

He’s also an over-seasoned food writer who told everyone to go to hell and don’t look for him.

That’s not the marriage reset I’m showing you.

Just lay back, lay off the snark, the finger pointing, and be good company.

After all, it’s not all about you. It’s them, too.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman