3 THINGS GUNS WON’T DO BUT YOU WILL

More than 3 things guns won’t do? Make a list.

A gun won’t fix a flat tire.

No matter how many times you threaten, guns won’t do it.

There you are on I-5 north to Portland, cut over on 84 headed for the Glenn Jackson.

You’re in a station wagon full of camping gear, kids, wife, and one of your wife’s friends.

The last thing you want is a flat, maybe the second to last thing, but it happens.

Now you’re on the side of the bridge in heavy Friday traffic, rain, jacking up the car after unloading everything to get at the spare.

Wife’s friend is out there with you explaining what you should do. Wife and kids are safe in the car. If you see a car heading toward you, you’re ready to jump off the bridge.

You’re thinking about that jump with every bit of advice you get from the wife’s friend, until you tell her you need to focus on changing the tire.

“Focus?” she asks. “You need to focus to change a tire? Here’s what you really need…”

If you need help changing a tire in traffic, guns won’t do the job.

For proof, shoot the tire. Shoot the spare. That’s the problem, the tire, and guns won’t do the work for you.

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Need To Patch A Wall and Paint It? Guns Won’t Do It.

Part of being a good parent, and we all like to think we’re at least a good parent, is keeping communications open with children.

Baby boomers love the communications, but sometimes things go on the fritz and the lines get crossed.

You can’t shake or smack a kid like you used to do to old televisions and expect a clear picture.

Using words that matter work best. Until you get words back that require a gentle touch.

“I’m tired of listening to stupid ideas,” your child says.

“Really? So am I. Where’s the off switch,” you ask while tapping the kid on the head.

“What are you doing?” they whine.

“Looking for the off switch. Maybe it’s over here,” you say and tap them again.

“Great, from hearing stupid to more stupid. Where’s your off switch?”

If your dear child was sitting and stands up to tap your head, stay calm.

Those who’ve never had a slap fight won’t get this, but the difference between fighting and a slap fight is the punch.

No punching.

The search for the off switch between you and your kid moves from room to room until there’s no more room. Now, if you’re kid is a wrestler, and you’re a former wrestler, continue.

If not, stop.

Tapping leads to poking, which leads to jamming, and finally a two handed blast to the chest. It’s his blast, your chest, and it’s a set up you recall teaching him.

Once you get the chest blast you step in to deliver one of your own.

Needless to say, when you step in your child uses double under-hooks, locks you up, and goes belly to belly with you into a wall. That’s when you recall the set up you taught them.

After all is said and done and peace returns, you’ve got a big dent in your wall from your head.

You think of ways to fix it with a gun, but guns won’t do it.

No gun trims the hole, backs it with screwed in lath board, and plasters in a patch. Guns won’t do the painting either.

That’s not what guns do. If you think they might, you’ve got the wrong tool.

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Guns Won’t Do Yardwork

Picture yourself walking through beautiful gardens and sweeping courtyards with your wife.

Now picture your yard as she tried to re-create the experience one flower at a time.

Eventually you end up with flower beds packed side by side with plants crowding each other for water and sun. Think of an Army boot camp mess hall just after the eat fast whistle.

You love the gardens and grass and dirt and color and seasonal beauty of public gardens. It’s all grand until you realize how much time it takes to keep up at home.

If a gun would do yard work all you’d need to do it lock and load, take it off safety, and fire away.

But guns won’t do yard work. You will do yard work. Why? Because of all the work left after hired professionals help out.

Now you’ve got broken sprinkler heads, chopped irrigation lines, broken power to your water feature.

Guns won’t do yard work the same way they won’t help negotiate a bill for broken yard stuff.

Accidents happens, you hear.

What else won’t guns do? Well, they sure as hell won’t write a blog post on boomerpdx about what guns won’t do.

Now my computer froze. Guns won’t do anything to fix a frozen computer, but there’s still a part that wants to give it a try.