WIFE TONE? WHAT IT MEANS, WHAT IT DOESN’T MEAN

A wife tone is the only note a husband needs to memorize.

One tone, one wife, no others need acknowledging.

Not a Mom Tone, a Boss Tone, Neighbor Tone, Friend Tone, or Kid Tone.

It’s usually delivered in the key of A, the holy A, the first letter in the alphabet.

Can you hear me?

The problems start when a wife tries a wife tone on someone not her husband.

In the beginning we all heard adults speaking to each other.

As delightful children, our parents’ treasure, we baby boomers were out of sight and out of mind. Right?

Some grew up in a treasured and pampered household.

Others grew up in a ‘just another mouth to feed’ household.

When women decide on marriage, they bring what they learned to the party.

So do the men.

Sometimes it’s a good mix; sometimes it adds to the divorce statistics.

Am I suggesting that a better understanding of wife tone would help save marriages?

Absolutely. That’s what I’m declaring, not suggesting.

Dear husband readers, if you can interpret a wife tone for what it is, and not a comment on your fragile masculinity, you will be a better man.

If not, let’s go.

Wife Tone Between The Lines

If your wife grew up in a rough and tumble house of brothers, she will have a different view of her husband.

If her brothers were anything at all, you will never measure up, which is part of the marriage challenge.

You need to bring something to your wife’s life she doesn’t know she needs.

Kindness, tenderness, and love?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Unless your wife was the icing on the family cake growing up, she had plenty of competition for her parents’ attention.

She doesn’t need more competition.

At the same time, if her husband grew up in a similar environment, where’s the happy medium?

Quick, find a baby boomer blogger to explain this.

(And thank you for reading along.)

A good wife needs a husband who listens to her without using the wife tone; she also needs a husband who understands the message of the wife tone.

2

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Husband: I hear fine, but there’s too much bullshit added to the message.

Wife: Is that one of your little writer things, pretending to listen when you’re not?

Husband: If I scrape the crap off, I hear you asking me to vacuum a million bugs out of a window frame. Does that sound right? It’s not about how your dad could fix everything ever made, build anything ever built, but not be a father to his son.

Wife: What are you trying to say?

Husband: You’d like me to deal with a bug infestation because you’re too frightened? And I agree.

Wife: I’m not afraid.

Husband: Would your dad be afraid? Your brother?

Wife: No.

Husband: How about your mom. Would she jump up and kill those bugs, afraid or not like you?

Wife: I’m not afraid.

Husband: Don’t move, there’s a bug in your hair. More than one. Hold still and I’ll smash them.

Wife: Get away from me. In my hair? Oh. My. God. Where?

Husband: (pointing to no bugs)

Wife: (running her hand through her hair)

Husband: (tweaks wife’s ankle and she jumps)

Wife: EEEEK.

Husband: Look out! Snake!

Does every wife need a practical joke in stressful times?

Good husbands know the answer.

What’s yours?

Be Tougher Than The Rest

When you sign up for marital bliss you say “I do” to Better Or Worse.

Don’t be shocked when it turns into The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

Yes, I know. It’s a different deal than you thought you’d get.

Here’s the big secret: It’s no different for your wife when she sees your good, bad, and ugly.

If she grew up in urban decay under a landing pattern of a major metropolitan airport, her Better or Worse is more rounded out.

It helps if she dated squirrelly men, fastidious men, the kind of men who see marriage like a progressive dinner party moving from wife to wife before she met you.

Those men were not tougher than the rest.

The road is dark
And it’s a thin thin line
But I want you to know I’ll walk it for you any time
Maybe your other boyfriends
Couldn’t pass the test
Well, if you’re rough and ready for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest

Well, it ain’t no secret
I’ve been around a time or two
Well, I don’t know baby maybe you’ve been around too
Well, there’s another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you’re rough and ready for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest

2

Words reserved for sports fans: Winners do what losers won’t do.

The first thing I thought when I heard it was cheating, which sounds like a tell on me.

What it really means is training more diligently, eating right, and getting rest.

If that works, you won’t have to cheat. But . . .

I explained this to my wife before we got married.

She wasn’t a sports fan, didn’t get caught up in high school football like her cheerleader friends, but she got it.

I urged her to pick a side, my side, with the Cowboys.

To show her allegiance she got a Drew Brees jersey.

I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. Any jersey is a win. We’re working on it, okay?

Choosing sides with a team isn’t the same as choosing sides in marriage.

I bail on the Cowboys sooner than the end of the season because I reserve my heartbreak to spread around.

On the other hand, I never bail on my marriage. My wife could say anything in front of others and I agree with her.

We sort it out later, but in the moment I want to show a united front.

If you’re a married man, tell me if this flies:

You hear a tone in your wife’s voice that she doesn’t use on anyone else.

It’s her special Wife-Tone. Not a Mom-Tone, or Friend-Tone, but a Wife-Tone.

When your wife has her friends over and speaks to you in Wife-Tone, two things happen:

First, you answer her in a voice that hints that you don’t appreciate the tone in front of her friends.

Second, her friends feel hurt when you ignore their version of Wife-Tone.

The Rules: One wife equals one Wife-Tone. There’s no choosing sides.

No others need apply.