UPDATING DAVID WITH NEW TOOLS. APOLOGIES TO MIKE ANGELO

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Updating David starts with the basics: underwear for the big naked guy.

They’re called a novelty boxers, a gag gift, but the only gag is Michelangelo’s David portrayed with the same short comings on the undies as the namesake statue.

Even in a new medium the game stays the same.

If Robert Mapplethorpe had been there, David might have had a different look, but maybe not so enduring over time.

How long would the art world fawn over a marble nude with an uncircumcised forearm?

To start, updating David isn’t about his huge hand, stern expression, or his junk.

It’s his ankles. They’re weak.

Adding any extra weight might tip the scales toward total collapse and destruction, so I’ve done the update with that in mind. We don’t need more chunks of broken masterpieces.

The jalapeño pepper is a good update for weight. It adds an international flavor to the region devoid of spice in the time of Michelangelo, a region changing with modern times:

In southern Italy, these little red peppers are often called diavoletti (little devils); in Calabria and Molise regions, they are called diavulillu; and in the region of Basilicata, they are called diavulicchiu.

A red pepper called ‘little devil’ doesn’t fit David. Neither does a bigger green pepper, but it’s an improvement until the shower after his first gym class.

“David’s got a green wienie” would have echoed through Florence.

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It’s shameful for anyone to be portrayed this way, statue or no statue.

That’s an AA battery with a screwdriver tip.

AA. Not triple A, but still a twig.

And not the worst. This is the worst:

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This is the David who does heavy squats during a gym date, a first meeting. Except David doesn’t do squats.

This is the David who, with decked-out gym lady in full face spotting, traverses from standing, to kneeling, to hands and knees, to floor, and eventually the classic fetal position.

And she looks bored standing there talking on her phone. To all offers of help she covers her phone and whispers, “He’ll be fine.”

Eventually he made it out. No word on their second date.

On the way out of here, remember that everyone you know, everyone you see, are all living their lives the best they know. However, you may know better.

If you have the skills to share a better way forward with others, you are a teacher.

If you don’t have the skill, or knowledge, but persist in sharing with as many people as you can as often as you can, then you’re just another dick.

Michelangelo would not approve.