TWO MARRIED GUYS MAP DATE LIFE

What else would two married guys do?

The beauty of public transportation comes with the people you meet.

Two old men waited at a Portland bus stop.

Late afternoon drizzle fell on the city through fading light.

The sun made little effort to split the clouds over the Willamette River.

Man 1: It felt like this yesterday, just enough rain to be annoying.

Man 2: So this annoys you?

Man 1: Not enough to notice, but look around. Umbrellas for this? Come on.

Man 2: Just people heading home with dry hair.

Man 1: Except the 12. When does this bus show up?

Man 2: Depends whether it’s the local or express.

A woman at the bus stop listened in.

Lady: Buses are like men. Wait ten minutes and another one comes by.

A bus pulled up. She got on.

Lady: This is how it works, fellas. See ya.

Man 1: That wasn’t very nice.

Man 2: We’re on a bus mall. Life is cheap here.

Man 1: Life is cheap everywhere when you’re married. You married?

Man 2: A few times. How ’bout you? Two married guys here?

Man 1: Once.

Man 2: Still married?

Man 1: Yes. You? Still married?

Man 2: I think so, but it’s starting to show signs of wear.

Man 1: What’s that look like?

Man 2: Like every other break-up. You don’t have to ask.

Man 1: I’ve never broken up.

Man 2: Never been dumped? Never dumped anyone?

Man 1: Married my high school girlfriend and never looked back.

Man 2: Oh, one of those. Two married guys, one who got it right. Well, you haven’t missed much.

Man 1: Same woman through the Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, the Oughts, and now the Teens.

Man 2: But you wonder…

Man 1: Not too much. No.

Man 2: You wonder if your wife is happy.

Man 1: Yes, I wonder. What I don’t wonder about is if I did the right thing. Do you?

Man 2: I’ve done the right thing every time. For them more than me.

Man 1: How many wives?

Man 2: I’m not a numbers guy. You can count all day and not get anywhere. The interesting part is looking at a map.

Man 1: Like a bus route map?

Man 2: Or map of America. The world. Look at a map and mark where you met someone, then track to the next time you saw them.

Man 1: I met my wife in high school.

Man 2: No one forgot that. Listen, I’ll start. Once I met a girl on a blind date.

Man 1: A set up date? Never had one.

Man 2: It started in Oregon. We wrote letters. Next time we connected in Philadelphia. A few years later in Portland.

Man 1: You’re coast to coast.

Man 2: I met a woman in Texas. We got together a few months later in Washington, D.C., then Philadelphia, and finally Portland.

Man 1: Portland is the draw.

Man 2: Not always. I met a woman in Oregon. Our next stop was Delaware, then Brooklyn.

Man 1: No Portland?

Man 2: Not that time. I met a woman in Ashland. A few years later we got caught up in Brooklyn. Then back to Portland.

Man 1: And happily ever after?

Man 2: Not that time.

Man 1: Portland is your hub. It’s just in the wrong place.

Man 2: Wrong time, wrong place. I don’t blame Portland.

Man 1: Maybe you should.

Man 2: Blame Portland? Blame Oregon? Not when this is the place to find the best ladies in the world. Oregon women are first in line. You can’t find better people than Oregon women.

Man 1: Are you an Oregon man?

Man 2: No, I’m not.

Man 1: That’s a problem with two married guys. How many women meet you and say you’re the best thing that ever happened to them?

Man 2: They might say it, but it wears off like that new car smell.

Man 1: At least you’ve got the map thing figured out. Have you ever explained the map to your wives?

Man 2: Women don’t like maps, at least not one they’re on.

Man 1: I imagine not, but if one did, she’d be a keeper.

Man 2: Do I look like I need a keeper?

Man 1: More like a jailer. You need a guard.

Man 2: What I need is a cartographer to map my next adventure.

Man 1: Looks like it’s starting now. Here comes the bus.

A woman at the stop rises up.

Woman: I’ve got a pen and paper, boys. Let’s get a seat in the back and map it out.

She walks up the steps.

Man 1: Is she your type?

Man 2: She’s not yours.

Man 1: I’m not the problem.