TRADING PLACES: DONALD STERLING AND DAN SNYDER

How Would The Clipper’s Owner Handle The Redskins’ PR?

via thewrap.com

Someone please tell Anderson Cooper to invite Dan Snyder the next time Don Sterling comes on.

One possibility:

In the studio Cooper puts on his best Johnny Mac face and says, “Mr. Sterling, a recorded fan of racial bias, and Mr. Snyder, an NFL owner with the U.S. patent office on his case, welcome.

“You’re both in similar circumstances regarding race…”

Snyder interrupts.

“Hold up, Andy. Have you been reading the wall boards? Watching the news? I’m in no way associated with Sterling or anyone like him.

Turns to Sterling.

“No offense, Don, but get a grip would you? You’re a billionaire in Los Angeles. How hard is it to stay out of the wrong news? It’s bad for the club when you make Tiger Woods look like a discreet ladies’ man.”

Sterling puckers up to speak in his oddly high voice.

“Ladies’ man? Why thank you. Perhaps if you were a better ladies’ man you wouldn’t cling to a name and call it tradition when all it means is less than. Less than what? Just less. It makes you less, too.”

Anderson turns to the camera.

“Thank you, both of you. My thanks. Let’s start by…”

Snyder cuts in.

“Ladies’ man? I’m not a ladies’ man? Listen, you go ahead and keep score on your chickie chart and talk trash your girlfriends. That’s what you do when you’re mentally incompetent to handle your gear?”

Sterling waves his hand.

“Incompetent? It’s an opinion. It’s people. Not like you. If you fight the name change from Washington Redskins to anything else you’re gonna burn. Me? I’m just tanned. You’ll burn. I’m a dizzy old man crazy about walking my women behind the scenes after Clipper games. You’re the confused one.”

Anderson faces the camera.

“Donald Sterling reportedly escorted his lady friends into an NBA locker room full of naked players. Is this true? And if so, Mr. Sterling, please expand.”

Sterling leans in.

“It’s unbelievable. The NBA has the best athletes in the world. It’s takes a particular body-type to play the game at the highest level. We can schedule a tour for  you sometime.”

“There’s no need to schedule any such meeting.”

Snyder adds more.

“I’ll be in court where the big boys settle their problems, not on Judge Judy. I’m setting a precedent for America by protecting my rights at all costs. That’s what they did on Iwo Jima, that’s what I’ll do. You can say Redskin is offensive, but I say…”

Anderson draws his hand across his throat. Snyder’s mic dies. Sterling smiles at them both, arms resting on his paunch.

“There you have it in a nutshell. An elderly real estate lothario living somewhere in the 1950’s, and a wall board billionaire running a team further into the ground. The same, or different?”

“You’re the worst owner in sports.”

“We made the playoffs. Put that on your wall board.”

“I’m a fighter. That’s what I do. I’ll fight for my way all the way. It helps others man up. Sets an example.”

“Keep telling yourself that, junior.”

” Yeah? Just so you know, the NFL players are the best athletes in the world.”

Anderson gives the final chop. The mic dies.