THAT PORTLAND?

via boomerpdx

What You Won’t See Won’t Bother You. The truth is you need Portland and Portland needs you.

When you move here, take a good look in the mirror. You are the ‘new blood.’ You will ‘make a difference.’ You will ‘change things’ by your presence.

Soon enough you notice other new people making a difference and changing things you couldn’t.

Is it time to leave, or time to work it out?

Why not stick around and work it out? Chances are good you’ll meet people you may call friends until your real friends visit and wonder why you hang with such losers.

The choice is old or new people. You can’t have both and move beyond your old ways.

If you’re in Portland, and you’re new, help your old friends understand how it works.

Live here for a full change of seasons and you’ll be set.

A full year of seasons, summer to fall to winter to spring, might all happen on the same day, but we’re talking about a year.

Ride the Portland bus in the summer even if you don’t have to.

You haven’t lived until you’ve stood shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, with strangers inside a one hundred degree bus with sweat running down your back in streams that land at your waist and eventually give you the look of a pants pisser.

Don’t try to explain the difference.

Take a swim in the Willamette. Sure you’ll read about super fund clean up, or three eyed fish. You’ll see warning signs about which fish to catch and release because they’re too toxic to eat. Listen neighbor, you’re not a fish so just jump in and enjoy.

That warning about a sewage spill is not your concern. As long as you don’t have open wounds, drink the water, or get too wet, you’ll be okay.

Be a good Portland Samaritan.

If you see two people fighting, offer your face to one of them so the other has a chance to get away. Portland is soft so you don’t have to worry about getting punched too hard. If you wear glasses, take them off before you stick your face in there.

You’ve probably heard about Portland as a place young people come to retire? I don’t know where that one came from. Could it be a take on Reed College, known as the school where rich hippies send their kids?

Let’s get down to the real Portland now, the place where single people turn into couples, couples turn into marrieds, and married people turn into parents.

Since I’m a guy I’ll explain the guy part. If you’re a woman, leave your take in comments.

A single guy in Portland needs to find the smallest, cheapest, apartment in the most vibrant part of town. That’s the part where people actually go outside and walk around the block just because.

Since your apartment is a living hell, which is what you want, you’re out a lot. You want to stay in that oven on a hot day? No, you don’t.

Stake out a Portland route and walk it.

Walk it often. Take a good look around. This is your new hometown, your turf, your block. It’s where you rule even if no one else notices. You do.

After you see the same people a few times, give a little wave. Eventually a little wave turns into a smile, a high five, a fist bump, and you’re on the way to a hug and kiss greeting. It makes you feel like Mr. International, very European.

Go to the same store over and over and buy the same thing. Slide into the same bar and do the same. Now you’ve got a routine. Snare that free roaming chicken, organic eggs, beer that bites like a rattle snake, and you are in.

What about the ladies? Whether you notice or not, they notice you. You’re either on their ‘to do’ list, or they’re ‘new friend’ list. You won’t know which one until it’s too late.

Here’s the crucial part about Portland.

Take a good look at your new dream girl. You like the same music. You have the same friends. Just remember where you are. It’s a Portland thing and everyone plays their role.

If you ever get the point of just the two of you, Portland turns into the third wheel. This is where you match up or break up. The ink, the piercings, the hair color? See that often enough and you stop seeing it.

Instead you see the suburban upbringing, or the urban past; the country girl or small town honey. Portland is just a playing field to meet on. Will you stay or will you go?

Stay with the one you love and Portland won’t matter. No other place matters either because you’re home whenever you’re hand in hand with your baby. Cue love song.

How will it ever work out in Portland?

From the looks of the forty-fifty year old crowd of post-grunge grown ups at the recent Foo Fighters gig, you’ll be fine. They had the tats and ‘tude spread over the same frame as most 40-50 year olds. Beer guts and moobs and pillow arms didn’t faze the crowd.

They showed up in RVs, custom campers, tricked out trailers, all spendy and cool, and rocked. Did they think they’d be where they are after their time as hard core gutter snipes? After living like a refugee? Probably.

Good manners and proper hygiene might not be important at the beginning of a relationship, but I’m warning you now, it will eventually matter. Why?

Kids, brother, kids. We all drop into parenting default when we don’t know what to do next with the kids.

Now look in the mirror. Your mom or dad may not be looking back at you now, but they will. If you have doubts, ask a baby boomer. They know.

DG

via boomerpdx