TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE. OR ELSE

When Henny Youngman said, “Take my wife. Please,” did he jump up and slap himself?

Did his wife take a swing at him?

When a joke goes bad, bad enough to get clocked, it’s hard for us to understand.

Especially when the joker takes a smack from another funny guy who didn’t like the joke.

Didn’t like a joke? It happens, like the time on the Georgia Pacific green chain in Coos Bay.

College boys used to get summer jobs back in the day, and the best pay came from working in the saw mill.

The full-time workers liked seeing the new crop of college boys because they knew their vacation plans would work out.

The new guys fit in where they were needed and sometimes worked double shifts when the wood dryers needed cleaning.

The dryers baked the thin sheets of wood that were peeled off of a log and sorted on a conveyor belt, the green chain, before getting cut to size and fed into the dryers.

The green chain had four guys on each side of the raised platform slinging 4X8 foot sheets of wood veneer into wheeled sorting carriages.

The wood started high on the machinery before descending down an angled section to the chain for the crew to sort.

When things slowed down it got quiet enough for the guys to talk.

“Ask Joe About His Sister”

Blue collar men who’ve been on the same crew for a while have routines worked up to try on new guys.

Put any guys together for an extended time and something always happens.

Bill had been on the job since his junior year in high school when he dropped out and signed up for mill work.

He was mid-twenties going on fifty and fit in with the older guys. He was the point man.

After a new guy on the crew had been on the job a couple of weeks, Bill told him to ask Joe about his sister.

“He’s real proud of her. She enters and wins dancing contests. Joe don’t talk about it unless someone asks him, but he’s super proud of his sister. Ask him about her.”

The new guy didn’t know Joe and didn’t ask at first, but Bill kept at it.

“She’s going to get discovered and be in show business, she’s that good. Joe can even get you an autograph later, but you should let him know. Ask him about his sister’s dance career.”

“I heard your sister is a great dancer”

Eventually the new guy wore down and asked Joe about his sister just to shut Bill up with the constant chatter.

“Congratulations for your sister’s dancing. She sounds like she’s going places.”

Things had slowed down on the green chain for a moment so Joe could hear the new guy.

And he heard him. That’s when the dark cloud came over Joe.

“What did you say?”

“Your sister sounds like dancing is taking her places. Congratulations.”

Joe paused, then spoke loud enough for the crew to hear.

“You little fucks come in here like you’re better than the rest of us, and that’s okay. But when you ask about my sister after she lost her leg in a car accident, it’s too much. Go to hell.”

The new guy froze. The whole crew watched him for what he’d do next.

“I’m sorry, Joe. I didn’t know.”

“Now you know. That shit gets old fast. My wife and I don’t want to talk about it.”

The new guy turned to Bill and talked just loud enough for him to hear.

“That’s one of the biggest loads of shit I’ve ever seen. What is wrong with you? That’s funny? You think that’s funny? What’s funny is kicking your ass after work. Let’s laugh after that, you fucking jerk. Put me up to that. Fuck you, Bill.”

“Take it easy, kid. Take it easy.”

“I’ll take it easy after I drag you around the parking lot by your leg. You just had to keep going about Bill’s sister. Now you’ll get what you asked for.”

“Let’s just settle down, kid. Joe? Joe, the kid’s riled up. Tell him about your sister. He’s pissed off at me.”

Big, Funny, Man’s Joke

The big joke was that Joe didn’t have a sister, but the crew played the joke on every new guy.

Usually everybody laughed together and the new guy helped out the next time, maybe inventing a sister of their own.

Not this time.

This time the new guy steamed and did his job the rest of the night, the rest of the week, the rest of the summer.

He took the joke the wrong way because it wasn’t a joke.

It happens.

It happened last night at the Academy Awards when Will Smith bitch-slapped Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife’s hair.

He backed it up by yelling, “Keep my wife name out your fucking mouth” from his seat. Twice.

How often do Hollywood stars get slapped without stunt men?

At the Oscars. On stage.

I’m not a fan of slap fights, but who has someone else for Will Smith to slap?

I nominate Sean Penn, 5’8″, vs Will Smith, 6’2″.

Or . . . ?

What’s the proper response after, “What did you say about my wife?”