SPENDING TIME THE RIGHT WAY

Are you spending time the way you’d like?

Time is funny like that, so I made an equation of happiness.

If you’re good with things 51% of the time, not so good 49% of the time, you’re on the right track.

Unless you’re a parent.

A good parent is 100% on the job all of the time.

If they’re not right there, they’re thinking about their kids.

At least that’s me. Maybe I need to ‘Get A Life?’

First, let’s take a look at the alternatives.

Hard working people are spending time on their jobs.

Whether they’ve paid their dues, or got lucky, their work is financially rewarding.

Their bottom line is what matters, so they hire nannies and tutors and babysitters.

One parent told me their high earning friends farm the kids out with professionals instead of spending time with them.

Why? So they can destress and reload, which means party time.

The kids are fine with the nanny so they can ‘let it out.’

Big jobs, big houses, big bills. What about those kids? What kids?

 

The Boring Parent Pathway

As a single man I avoided married couples.

 

“We can go to dinner with Jim and Sally.”

“Who are they?”

“You know who they are. You’ve met them. They’re fun.”

“Maybe another time, but you go ahead.”

 

Spending time with married couples while single only fuels the marriage fire:

 

You two make such a nice couple.

You’re perfect for each other.

She’s a keeper, you know that, right?

 

After things change:

 

What happened to the guy/girl you were seeing?

Who are you dating now?

When can we meet your new guy/girl?

 

By avoiding married couples, I also avoided married couples with children.

 

Oh, the kids love you.

You’re going to be such a good dad.

Have you thought about being a teacher?

 

My plan was to avoid spending time with people who might take away from my instincts, my parent instincts.

Mostly it was a plan to avoid commitment when I wasn’t a commitment guy.

Why ruin someone’s life by giving hope to a hopeless possibility?

Hopeless romantic? Not so much, more of a rolling stone with no direction home.

 

When Things Changed For Me, Everything Changed

Maybe it was just aging up, or maybe it was magic, but someone caught my eye.

Someone said ‘why not?’

Why not what? Why not get married and have kids.

 

Well maybe it is just the time of year
Or maybe it’s the time of man
I don’t know who l am
But you know life is for learning
We are stardust
We are golden
And we’ve got to get ourselves
Back to the garden

 

I’ve been in the garden with my flower girl for the past thirty-eight years.

We grew some kids over the past thirty-six years.

Now the kids are in their own gardens growing their own kids.

I’ve never been around young parents with such good intentions.

I avoided young parents as a single man because I had no reference for how they were doing.

After my own kids, I have a great reference, which isn’t to say my parents weren’t.

My parents were young in the late forties and early fifties.

They met in high school and married after my dad came back from the Korean War.

Get married? Sure, why not.

Have kids? Sure, why not.

Have more kids? Sure, why not.

Get divorced? Sure, why not.

Get remarried? Sure, why not.

They were locked into the culture they were born into, which was the Great Depression followed by WWII.

If it’s hard to imagine for me, imagine how hard it must be for the following generations.

 

Spending Time With Adult Kids

My wife likes to point out that I have no friends.

I like to point out that she’s wrong, I do have friends. I know people I consider friends.

She also likes to point out that, ‘Your kids are not your friends. You are their father.’

I spent yesterday doing what I like doing with friends, hanging out, fixing things, playing guitar, watching the Oregon Duck Football team face another challenging team from Idaho.

The afternoon went to my youngest, the evening with my oldest, while my wife got a break to spend time with herself.

Did she like it? Did she like her alone time knowing her old man was keeping company with our kids?

I checked in with her every few hours so she knew what I was up to.

What was I up to? Just having the time of my life with my favorites.

On the day before Grandparents Day, which makes it Grandparents Day Eve, I harvested the fruits of my labor.

I will be a better grandparent than my grandparents, a better grandparent than my parents were.

It’s a big goal, and probably not fair.

Everyone did the best they could with what they had where they were.

The elders in my family had bonded with people their age in difficult times.

Kids were an afterthought? Or were kids expected to do more, to pick up the slack, instead of feeling ignored and unimportant.

So far my wife and I have parented the heck out of our family. We’ve made decisions together for the kids well being.

Her ideas were enrolling them in tap dance, ballet, and playing the violin. (Hey Dylan)

I supported her ideas all the way, going to classes and attending the dance review held in downtown Portland’s Center Stage.

My ideas were aimed towards helping them understand that when things don’t work out as planned, it’s not the end.

I used sports as my medium, wrestling in particular.

They learned to face fear, ask more of themselves, and no matter the outcome, get ready for the next match.

My wife turned into a great sports mom.

 

Remember Spending Time How You Like

Like Baby Boomers across the landscape who are empty-nest, down-sizing, and reevaluating their next stage of life, I’m doing the same thing.

My wife is ahead of the curve with her observation:

If we sell our house we’ll need to live somewhere and most likely pay more for less room, less location location location, and less satisfaction.

Sound familiar?

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

The future looks bright for couples willing to try.