SADNESS AND THE ONLY CHILD ALONE ON THEIR DAY

The Smothers Brothers comedy team had a routine that fit every family, except only child families, when one said to the other, “Mom always liked you best.”

Every brother or sister who hasn’t said that missed a golden opportunity for a guilt ridden jab, deserved or not.

In some homes it has to go unsaid in front of anyone extra, especially mom, because they’d probably agree out of spite.

As they should.

In times of similar insecurity, who does an only child blame for being ignored? If not a brother or sister, who?

Trick question. They’ve never been ignored, waited their turn, or been left out.

Only Child Advantages

When they grow out of their favorite shirt as a kid, it won’t taunt them when a younger brother or sister wears it.

This is when hoarding instincts are born. When you love something more than anyone ever could love it, something like a scarf, you save it in a box. If you’d done the same with that shirt you’d still have a youthful memory instead of the rag it turned into.

Eventually they have rooms of special memory boxes, mini-storage units of boxes, boxes of boxes in boxes like Russian nesting dolls that shrink down to microscopic size.

Kids in big families don’t learn proper hoarding techniques. They learn early on that someone will always get in their stuff, no matter where they hide it.

The only child can display their special treasures; big family child knows better. If they put their prize possession on display it would be accidentally broken or disappear.

Only Children Sharing

The joke isn’t that only children don’t share, it’s how they learn to share.

If something is important to an OC they’ll share it. Then share it over and over just to prove they know how to share.

Eventually sharing wears on them, so they make a big decision: some things don’t need sharing. Or explaining.

Why should they have to explain boxes of scarves, drawer after huge drawer of tea towels, and collections of things no one else would enjoy as much as them?

Who Would Even Care?

Everyone married to an only child knows the answer to, “Would you like to see my stamp, coin, hair clip collection?”

This is why dating is so important. You want to hear this question before the wedding, not after, in case one of you isn’t a fan of endless crap, which is a term of affection I often use.

No one wants to get into the details of coins before 1964 and coins after, rookie baseball cards, or signed sports pictures while the other person taps their foot and looks at their phone.

The only thing worse is an uninterested person using their active listening skills to throw a bone.

What happens when a married man only child gets butt-hurt when his wife calls his comic book collection stupid? If they have a shred of maturity, they let it go because they know the incredible value of Silver Age comics.

Or they chirp back about something they didn’t think was stupid until then, but felt a need to say something equally hurtful.

Only Child Mom

“I need to hide your weaknesses, like cookies and ice cream.”

“You can’t hide ice cream. I’d know where it is.”

“Okay, where?”

“In the freezer.”

“You found the Oreos.”

“There aren’t any Oreos.”

“Not any more, but I saved a few.”

“Are you sure?”

“Want one?”

“Cup of tea, too?”

“Yep.”