REAL NAME? CALL PEOPLE AND PLACES BY THEIR REAL NAME BEFORE IT’S FORGOTTEN

In a time not so long ago, a real name wasn’t important. It was a liability.

Hollywood legends like John Wayne, Rock Hudson, and Marilyn Monroe weren’t good enough when they were known as Marion Morrison, Roy Scherer, and Norma Jeane Mortenson.

But those days are long passed according to Benedict Cumberbatch. How did he dodge the name change idea?

There’s something primal about short names, especially for men. It’s simple, rugged, and memorable.

People like John Wayne because they like saying his name, which is code for F-You. “What would John Wayne do?” is what we’d all do if we weren’t such pussies.

At least that’s the theory. Name association creates better understanding.

What ever name you call yourself, if you believe hard enough, that’s who you are. That’s how Issur Danielovitch Demsky became Kirk Douglas. He believed that’s who he was, now we all believe it.

A New Name And A Mysterious Past Adds More Color.

Instead of Joe Shanker from Hole In The Wall, Wyoming, you’re Jim Studmuffin from ‘so many incredible places that mean so much in my life it’s hard to know where to begin.’

You want to know more about Jim, not so much about Joe, even though they’re the same person.

If you need a pretend place to be from, say you’re from Brooklyn. Everybody’s from Brooklyn so no one checks. If a real Brooklyn guy starts asking too many questions, and they will, say you’re from the Brooklyn section of SE Portland.

Not too likely many know, or have visited, Portland’s Brooklyn.

Who you say you are isn’t connected to your real name the same way where you say you’re from isn’t connected to where you’re really from. Saying Portland is easier to explain than Vancouver, especially when everyone’s first thought is British Columbia.

Location, Location, Location

Call it geographical shorthand.

Are you from NYC, or Staten Island? Philadelphia, or Paoli at the end of the Mainline? LA, or Lennox, or South Bay?

Are you from Oregon, or the Pacific Northwest? From New Hampshire, or the Northeast? South Carolina, or Down South? Iowa, or the Midwest?

My advice is to use locations with precision. If you want someone to know where you come from, tell them. They’ll figure out the rest.

“Where are you from?”

“North Bend, Oregon.”

“My grandparents live east of Bend.”

“North Bend is on the coast.”

“Oh, right. How long did you live in Coos Bay.”

“North Bend.”

“Pardon me?”

“The big bay on the southwestern coast is Coos Bay. One or the cities on Coos Bay is North Bend. The other is Coos Bay. They are both in Coos County.”

“Yes, but there really isn’t a difference, is there? Not really?”

“I haven’t lived there in forty years, but it’s still North Bend. Growing up there gives me guilty feelings when I visit beach towns without Horsefall Beach, Bastendorf Beach, or Sunset Beach. Those are my beaches.”

A real name asks for a definition, deserves a definition. The best name is its own definition. Like this: North Bend is located at the north bend of Coos Bay.

Organized crime nicknames do it best with Jimmy ‘Three Legs, Crazy Joe, and Nicky Lips, names that create an image.

Keeping the name you were born with is neither stubborn, or prideful. It’s a choice. Just ask Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

So is remembering where you come from. We’ve got enough nomads running around already.