PREEMPTIVE CONVERSATION: SORRY, I WASN’T LISTENING

When is the best time for a Preemptive Conversation?

Married men have different answers than singles, from both sides of the fence:

Her side, and yer side.

I’ll set the definition first: A Preemptive Conversation happens when one person drones on and on and on, until the other person wonders if they’d had some brain malfunction and forgot how to take a breath.

Here’s what’s really happening:

The person talking continues minute after monotonous minute because they don’t want to listen to the other person if they can avoid it; they don’t want to pretend to listen, only to be accused of not listening.

Both know neither listen until they have to, so it’s a waiting game.

To avoid a rude outcome from ignoring someone, the gracious partner engages in a Preemptive Conversation; in other words, they strike first.

“I’ve found the best way to remember numbers,” he said, “and I’ll tell you how: Give each number a name that corresponds to a football jersey number.

“For example, remember the door with the alarm code? It was Don Meredith and Gale Sayers.

“It’s a lot easier than the time I broke the code on the mini-storage gate by guessing three numbers. I remember putting in my weight and it worked. Two forty did the trick.

“Another way of saying two forty is Doug Flutie from his Patriot days, and Gale Sayers. I know, you’re thinking Gale Sayers comes up a lot.

“Do you remember the movie Brian’s Song, the one about two football players for the Chicago Bears? One of the two was Gale Sayers.

“This was a guy who played like a tornado, a hurricane, and had the nickname of the Kansas Comet. He was the youngest player to make the NFL Hall of Fame.

“Which reminds me of the youngest player to make the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. That was Sandy Koufax. He had a cool nickname, the Left Arm of God.”

Flowing Preemptive Conversation

“Did you know there’s a museum school in Cooperstown? It’s called Cooperstown Graduate Program at SUNY Oneonta. We had a curator from there; he seemed to like baseball, but didn’t look very athletic. How many museum people are sports guys?

“Remember the museum picnic baseball game where I hit nine homers and sprinted the bases? The shortstop was a press guy who decided to obstruct. He crouched down in the base path like he was going to launch at my knee, but I Euro-stepped him. He dove out in the dirt and landed on his face.

“You never know who’s going to be a bad sport until it’s too late, but that guy was pretty clear. A married middle-aged man trying to hold on by dating younger women, dressing stylishly, and acting dismissive to everyone but the boss was a torpedo.

“That reminds me of McHale’s Navy. It was about a torpedo boat, a PT boat like JFK’s PT 109, that carried torpedos to sink ships during WWII. You know, looking back, it seems weird that McHale’s Navy, The Whackiest Ship In The Army, and Gomer Pyle: USMC, were all on during the same time in the mid-sixties. All that was missing was an Air Force show, but maybe that was Star Trek?”

Proceed At Your Own Risk

What’s the worst that could happen when you try and dominate a conversation like a sports radio show host with no call-ins?

Like the great Jim Rome says: “More of me and less of you is never a bad thing.”

Call it the Rome Rule: Never quote The Snagger to your wife.

She probably doesn’t know Rome, never listens to sports talk, and tunes you out when you do.

Call it a blind spot, then wrap things up before trouble starts. Share a meme you saw last week.