PORTLAND/GRESHAM SANTACON RUMBLE

Merry Christmas

If you’ve got friends who give you a Santa suit as a present, then ask you to go to SantaCon with them, there’s only one answer.

Stall.

When they ask the next year, stall again.

If they ask to ‘borrow’ the Santa coat for someone else, then you have to go.

This years real SantaCon included a long train ride from downtown to Gresham for the party and after-party.

That’s right, an after party because a bar crawl isn’t party enough.

In the rain.

The MAX ride out had train cars full of Santas. Ours were singing Santas. The songs were rewritten for the event.

After a couple I asked for a request, a straight Silent Night. And they all agreed.

We sang, then I did a solo humming verse to stretch the moment. The whole car hummed along.

The train choir was a thing of beauty.

After it was all over we all slogged back to the train, some faster than others.

My slow going ended up just in time to block the closing door and jump in. We were two Santas in one car while all the others had another.

My wife jumped out at the next stop and joined the others in the SantaCon car.

Two young men entered the car with me.

One of them gave me a going over and said, “You’re not Santa Claus.”

These guys were in the mid-twenties.

“What?” I said.

“You think you’re Santa Claus because you’re wearing a red coat. Pretty funny. Pathetic is more like it.”

“I am Santa. I joined 300 other Santas. It’s Christmas. Maybe you’ve heard of it.”

“We know about Christmas and fake Santas.”

“Do you know about real Santas? Like me?”

The train was slowing for the next stop.

“You’re not a real Santa.”

“A fake Santa would listen to you two talk shit and probably say something like, “Do you think a fake Santa would kick your ass,” but that’s not what a real Santa says.”

“Like you’d know what a real Santa says.”

“I do know.”

“Okay, man. What’s a real Santa say?”

I threw up my arms, bellowed a window shaking, “HO, HO, HO.”

And shined my best Christmas smile.

“That’s it?”

“Along with this: Merry Christmas my brothers, and make it a good Christmas for someone else. I’m asking you to do that. Will you? Santa wants an answer. Will you make someone’s Christmas better? Will you?”

“Why are you getting up on us?”

“Because Santa needs all the help he can get. And that’s what real Santas do. Merry Christmas, guys.”

And I bailed out the door to the SantaCon car.