POLICE STOP PROTOCOL FOR BOOMERS

Driving 80 in a 55 means behave yourself.

A police stop protocol when you’re pulled over in the middle of nowhere for speeding goes like this:

From the beginning:

– This car has a little growl when you punch it. You ever punch it?

= No, I’m not a race car driver and neither are you. Why would I ‘punch it?’

(This is where you channel your inner Beach Boy.)

– Well I’m not braggin’ babe so don’t put me down
But I’ve got the fastest set of wheels in town
When something comes up to me he don’t even try
Cause if I had a set of wings man I know she could fly

= Right. Let’s just keep it on the road nice and easy.

– This car jumps up and goes. It’d be a good idea to blow the carbon out while we have a chance.

= It’s my mom’s car. She drove around town under forty. It’s fine.

– So it needs to stretch a little.

= Okay, Richard Petty, it’s not a race car.

– I know what it is.

= Good.

– Just a little deuce coupe with a flat head mill
But she’ll walk a Thunderbird like (she’s) it’s standin’ still
She’s ported and relieved and she’s stroked and bored.
She’ll do a hundred and forty with the top end floored.

= We don’t need the top end floored. You know I grew up next to the Beach Boys.

– Now we’re talking. They’d want you to hear this baby growl.

= I hear it fine the way it is.

– She’s got a competition clutch with the four on the floor
And she purrs like a kitten till the lake pipes roar
And if that aint enough to make you flip your lid
There’s one more thing, I got the pink slip daddy.

= Lake pipes roar? That sounds interesting.

– This is a racer in disguise.

= How fast are you driving?

– Speed limit, but there’s a long stretch ahead going up hill. Be a good time to open things up.

= Really, you’re not letting it go.

– And comin’ off the line when the light turns green
Well she blows ’em outta the water like you never seen
I get pushed out of shape and it’s hard to steer
When I get rubber in all four gears.

= Okay, okay, not burning rubber and skidding and all that. Go ahead. I like speed.

So I floored it at the bottom of a hill, kicked it down two gears in the automatic, and the thing leaped so hard we pressed into our seats like we’re pulling a G.

A quick climb from 55 to 80 and it wasn’t even pressing.

That’s when I saw the cop.

– Uh oh, we just passed a cop on the side of the road.

= Is he pulling out?

– Yes, but no light.

= That’s good.

– We’ve got lights. This is a fast car. What do you think? Give him a run?

= It’s not faster than a radio.

I was already pulling over. I stopped the car and waited, window down.

= I’ll get out the registration.

– Let’s sit very still and not move. Wait until he gets here and tells us what to do.

With my hands on the wheel at ten and two, I watched the officer walk up.

+ I pulled you over for speeding. Do you know how fast you were going?

– I wasn’t passing anyone. I was driving traffic speed.

+ 80 in a 55. It’s a 55 miler per hour limit all through here. I’ll need your license and registration and proof of insurance.

I didn’t move, buy my co-pilot handed papers out of the glove box.

+ And your drivers’ license.

I looked at the policeman and said,

– Is it okay to give you my license. It’s in my wallet in my hip pocket.

Kept both hands on the wheel for good police stop protocol.

+ Yes.

– This the first time driving this car on the open road. It was my mother in law’s. She passed away recently and we’re deciding what to do with it.

+ I’ll be right back. I’m not writing you a ticket, so don’t panic.

He walked to his car and ran my license.

= Not writing a ticket? We’re going to jail instead? I said don’t speed.

– Yeah, it was a bad idea.

= You and the Beach Boys.

The policeman returned and handed my license back.

+ Here you go. Keep it under the speed limit, okay?

– Yes, sir.

Was it the gray hair? Dog in the backseat? Or telling the truth?

This public service address explains police stop protocol.