Performance Director is a job title I saw on a professional sports team.
Those guys need more motivation, more accountability, after playing a game all their lives, making it to college, and signing a pro contract?
What’s that say about the rest of us?
Is there an area in your life that would benefit from having a performance director, or one of the subsets?
A Health Director monitors and suggests better health choices.
You: I’m going down to the store and buy a new gun.
HD: Which store?
You: The gun store, stupid. Where do you think?
HD: I’ve seen them at Bi-Mart.
You: Well I’m getting a real gun, not a Bi-Mart gun.
HD: Need I remind you a Bi-Mart gun that fires a bullet is the same as a gun from Cabela’s.
You: No need, man. I’m getting my Dad a gun for Father’s Day.
HD: Why not make a better health choice?
You: What’s health got to do with it? Pass me my Pepsi and Marlboro’s, would you?
Diet Director
DD: You need more fiber in your diet.
You: More what?
DD: Fiber.
You: I don’t have enough fiber? I can do ten pull-ups. You don’t do that without proper fiber, man.
DD: It’s not the same as . . .
You: I could have stormed the Capitol better than the losers on TV. That’s fiber, bro.
DD: Well,
You: Well what. Like you could do better?
DD: The fiber we’re talking about helps with digestion and elimination.
You: That’s what I’m talking about. I don’t know how you can stomach a stolen election that eliminated the greatest American to ever draw a breath of freedom for all of us.
DD: He’s more of a bowel obstruction, if we’re talking about the man who incited the Jan. 6 insurrection.
You: It’s against the law to speak of the President of the United States like that.
DD: That’s not the president.
You: Like you know.
DD: I know.
You: Where’s my bag of burgers?
Emotional Director
ED: You seem upset.
You: I’m upset that you’re not upset and angry.
ED: About what?
You: People on TV acting like President Trump did something wrong.
ED: He tried to undo an election, then lied about it.
You: No, he didn’t. He was just doing his job.
ED: What if he told you to do something illegal, and you knew it.
You: If my President gave me a direct order as Commander In Chief, I’d have to follow it.
ED: Has any other president given you a direct order?
You: He’s different. Now is different. He’s one of us.
ED: You and Trump are the same?
You: It’s in the Constitution, “All men are created equal.” So, you damn right.
ED: That comes from the Declaration of Independence.
You: Now you’re an expert on the Constitution, too. Figures. Who died and made you king?
Do Need A Performance Director
If you are a married man, a performance director would be redundant.
And, if your wife isn’t getting the job done, you might have questions.
If you’re married to a problem solver who has everything up to date, what’s next?
You. You’re next.
It’s you whether you have a problem, think you have a problem, or not.
If you’re a man reading this, you know the drill.
– How are you, honey?
– Fine.
– Are you sure?
– I’m still fine.
– Why are you rubbing your neck?
– I’m not rubbing my neck.
– What’s this?
If you’re wife can spot a cancer tumor growing on your neck from across the room, that’s the Performance Director you need and want.
Five stars, baby.