ONE SAD SUPER BOWL LATER, 2023

Me: It’s looking like a sad Super Bowl this year.

Wife: That sounds so lonely. Just you and me and millions of fans.

Me: That’s the plan.

Wife: I miss the party. I’d even cook.

Me: You sound sad.

Wife: This is just how it’s going to be.

Me: Do you want to visit a friend? I could watch the game with their husband.

Wife: You’d do that? I’ll call and tell her we’re coming over.

Dear Husbands,

Has this ever happened to you? Have you made a gesture to your wife, never expecting her to accept, but she does?

Before she called her friend, I called my sons.

Me: Boys, let’s watch the game at my place. Mom’s cooking. Come early and bring the band.

Boy 1: We ought to watch at my house. I’ve got the best TV.

Me: I’m not leaving the house and mom feels like it’s a sad Super Bowl.

Boy 2: We’ll be there.

Boy 1: She never watches anyway. We’ll come early to play guitars and she can watch baby.

Me: She’d love that.

Boy 2: What about . . .

Me: I’ve got beer, seltzer, and cooking up some wings.

Boy 1: So you’ll be passed out by halftime?

Me: No, because that would be a sad Super Bowl and no one wants that.

Boy 2: So you’ll be passed out before the game starts? It’s a late start.

Me: I’m not inviting you to watch me drool on myself. No passing out today. Besides, when have you ever seen me pass out?

2

Boy 2: There was the time when . . .

Boy 1: Last Super Bowl. Who won?

Me: We’ll all be on our best behavior.

Boy 1: You don’t want to miss halftime with BRUUUUCE.

Boy 2: I heard it was Prince.

Me: Real funny. It’s Elvis, fuckers.

Boy 1: You and Elvis.

Me: What time does the band tune up?

Boy 1: Let’s aim for 1 pm.

3

Sad Super Bowl halftime Rihanna has nothing to do with Fleetwood Mac’s Rhiannon.

Stevie Nicks was born in 1948, Rihanna in 1988.

Baby boomers get confused when things look alike and sound alike over time.

Luckily, the halftime show wasn’t as confused.

Wife: Are you still awake?

Son 2: His eyes are closed.

Me: With everything else, why am I the show?

Son 1: Because you’re a show-off?

Me: Then I’ll make a prediction: Chief’s win with a last second field goal.

Son 2: The Eagles are pulling away.

Me: They won’t get far.

4

Why are sports important?

From the biggest game of the year, a world wide phenomenon, to the scabby fields tiny soccer players chase each other around, sports bring people together.

Sunday it brought the band together. Drums, two guitars, and a bass, all turned up so loud in the downstairs rehearsal room that no one could hear the TV upstairs.

It was a metal Super Sunday pre-game.

Everyone in the band is the same age as Rihanna, except me.

After we unplugged and came upstairs we found plates and wings and chips and dips and it was all an antidote for a sad Super Bowl.

Did anyone have money on the game?

A favorite?

I lived in Philadelphia during my Army years and watched Ron Jaworski and the Eagles play the Cowboys and Roger Staubach at the old Veterans Stadium on Broad Street.

Come on, Eagles.

5

But the Chiefs are coached by the old Eagles’ coach who had taken them to five straight NFC title games.

Come on, Chiefs; let’s go Andy Reid.

We had an alert group for the sad Super Bowl, coherent and opinionated.

Was a great time had by all?

Later that night:

Me: Did this turn out better than expected?

Wife: I had my boys, my girls, and my baby. I had everything.

Me: And your husband?

Wife: Yes, and my husband.

6

Me: I’ll tell you about the football game when my arm fell off.

Wife: The time the coaches wrapped your shoulder in six rolls of tape just so you could say you played one variety game with your All-Star older brother?

Me: Where I blocked a kick, scored a touchdown, and got a parade through town.

Wife: When was that game?

Me: In my dreams, but that’s why we watch sports. We get to dream of what could have been had we been more dedicated, more disciplined, had better coaches, involved parents.

Wife: Are all those reasons why you never played in a sad Super Bowl?

Me: I played flag football in grade school, tackle football in junior high and high school. In ten years I never touched a football during a game. But I still have that dream.

We all do.

There are 1,093,234 high school football players in the United States, and 6.5% of those high school players (or 71,060) will play in college. The drop off from college to the pros is even more dramatic: only 1.2% college-level players will get drafted to the NFL. Even then, being a successful professional athlete is yet another hurdle to tackle. In short, roughly 853 players (0.00075%) make the pros each year out of an original population of nearly 1.1 million high school athletes. To put that number into perspective, that’s about the odds of getting struck by lightning at some point in your life.