MY MOM THE MOTHER IN LAW

After a recent mother in law conversation I ended up disappointing myself.

Why? Because I took the easy way out with the customary role, traditional values, and ducked the whole thing.

Not that I don’t have plenty to say about mothers in law. My dates introduced me to the moms and dads more than a few times.

One of the benefits of having had a single life was meeting the families.

It went from “this is my friend” to “I’d like you to meet” to “this is the hunk of man I love so get used to it.”

That last one was the mindset I usually went in with.

Looking back, most of the parent meetings came in a two-pack. They were divorced.

The moms were nice, but detached; the dads nice, but had been through it a few times. Like me.

I overheard one of the mom’s say, “I thought you stopped dating dorks.”

One dad said, “If my girlfriend talked to me like that I’d leave her right there.”

My girlfriend explained it with, “My mom loves dorks like you, but you’re not a dork. And my step-dad’s been married three times. He leaves everyone ‘right there.'”

Was this a potential mother in law?

After a family dinner at a mom’s house I helped clean up. Offering to help is usually enough. This time I helped. I sponged big stuff off the counter and into my hand, threw it away, rinsed the sponge and gave it a scrub.

“He wiped everything onto the floor. Where do people learn to behave that way?” the mom said.

The divorced dad lived in an apartment filled with electronics. He was an engineer, which was a great hoarder cover story.

My girlfriend explained it with, “My mom thinks everyone lives in filth. You saw her ‘family’ room. Anyone with a cat allergy would die in there. Do you know the difference between her floors and the yard? Not much. And my dad? He’s been the same way my whole life. He’s unplugged. Now instead of a garage he’s got an apartment.”

Was this mother in law material? Why the concern? Because they’d meet my mom.

Mom, I’d Like You To Meet . . .

My dates met my mom a few times.

“We need to clean up before your mom gets here.”

‘Knock, knock.’

“Hi, Mrs. . .”

“I assume you’re his live-in?”

That’s how things started with my college shack-up partner in the 70’s, who brought the grace.

“And this is our live-in. Welcome. Let me take your coat,” she said.

I explained later that my mom worked for the DMV and saw the world through suspicious eyes.

“Suspicious of me?”

“No, everyone.”

The Future Mother In Law

I was dating a Pat Benatar in a perm looking woman in the 80’s. Sassy.

She had broken up with a guy, but the guy didn’t get it, which is why he was trying to break down my apartment door late one night.

Instead of property damage I opened the door. The guy was a whirl wind of destruction knocking frames off the wall, ripping my phone out of the jack, tipping my lamp, stomping my bike.

We sparred, took a few swings and kicks, talked, and I convinced him to leave like I was giving him a chance. He took it.

The next day the same woman met my family. It was a big gathering for my Texas granddad’s last visit. Granddad hit it off with my girl. He wanted to know about stool softeners and she told him. She’s a naturopathic doctor and glad to help.

I was there like a Viking, a man who fought for his love.

Or a knight in shining armor.

Of course no one knew I was all pumped up, but I was. And it was a different pump.

“Mom, I’d like you to meet . . .”

“I’ve heard all about you. A natural-path? That’s so interesting.”

“Yes, and when your son and I start out family we will do home-births and I will beast feed my babies on demand. Anywhere. Anytime. Any problem?”

The Mother In Law Excuse I Used

Mothers in law see their new son as a challenge for their daughter.

Will she groom you into husband shape as well as mother did daddy?

The fathers in law are past their ‘taking my little girl’ years and glad to get things settled so he doesn’t have to listen to his wife’s endless complaining about what she must have done wrong for her daughter not to be married.

That’s the good part.

The other is the mother in law who sees her new daughter as competition in non-competitive things.

When two people make a life together it’s not a contest.

People are different. Even someone you know everything about brings up new things, if you listen.

I cooked it down to the simple ingredients:

A daughter in law will never, ever, not in a million billion years will ever replace momma, and momma knows. But daughters in law know better. That’s their secret.

Son in law is rightfully the bright new star in both families after gaining the wisdom and experience of planning and executing a wedding, standing by for baby delivery, and doing their level best to set a good example.

They’ve learned not to interfere with planning, birthing, and settle for opening jars and reaching high things. And we like it.

Prove me wrong.