MODERN MARRIED LIFE FOR BEGINNERS

Modern married life for boomers like your’s truly was never going to happen.

I remember a song from my parent’s record collection before they all melted:

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine.

Take it Jimmy.

Well I asked her to marry and to be my sweet wife
I told her we’d be so happy for the rest of our life
I begged and I pleaded like a natural man
And then, whoops oh lordy, well she gave me her hand

And that’s the short version of modern married life in the fifties.

(The records warped when the kids turned up the heater behind the stereo cabinet. They fixed the warp by putting the records in the oven.)

As youngsters, kids born too late to understand what it meant, we still heard ‘Love The One You’re With.’

Go Steven, go.

If you’re down and confused
And you don’t remember who you’re talkin’ to
Concentration slip away
Because your baby is so far away

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
Don’t sit cryin’ over good times you’ve had
There’s a girl right next to you
And she’s just waitin’ for something to do

Turn your heartache right into joy
‘Cause she’s a girl and you’re a boy
Get it together, make it nice
You ain’t gonna need any more advice

And there’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with

Love The One You’re With?

This is the same song a few years later by the same guys who loved the one they were with when their concentration slipped away and their baby was so far away.

How far away? 1970 to 2000.

I was thirteen in 1970. Who was I supposed to love when my baby was so far away?

First, I needed a girlfriend. Then she needed to go someplace. While she’s gone I’m gonna slide in on someone else?

That’s how it works? If that’s your plan, results may vary.

What if your baby is far away and she’s sitting next to the guy waiting for something to do?

Or, if your baby is with you waiting for something to do, but you won’t do it?

If you break up with your baby and she starts dating the manager of the pizza place where she works, and you get back together, will her kisses be sweeter than wine?

Or more like pepperoni and PBR?

Twitter Knows Modern Married Life

From when I was young I knew it would take some time to get married and stay married. So I waited for the right time. I’d tell my sons this when they asked how their ma married me.

That’s what I told a guy who said he’d been married three times with ex-wives on three continents.

He’d had rough times breaking up. After one he said he banged everything that walked for three years.

My advice:

For the next three years try this: don’t bang everything that walks, and tell them why: “If we get down it will ruin every sex memory you’ve got filed in your spank bank, so for your sake we shouldn’t.” Then give a resigned look and a sigh for easing the burden.

He told his last wife she’d be that last ex-wife in his string.

That had to soften the crash?

Statistically, this is a modern man in all of his glory.

So, what does that make me? Helpful.

It makes me helpful, and I like being helpful for people who think they missed the Love Train.

I’m also boring as hell, which is an asset in the long run.

Why? Because I’ve embraced life with both arms in the past. Then I got married and embrace marriage with the same enthusiasm.

And that’s the happy advice for anyone seeking insights into modern married life.

This was sooooo modern in 1993:

When people talk about all of the excitement in the 90’s and ask, “What did you do in the 90’s?”

This is what I did.