MMA REPUBLICANS IN THE OCTAGON

Who can take a hit best? Read MMA Republicans in the Octagon.

The Sunday Oregonian ran a column by E.J. Dionne of the Washington Post titled ‘GOP plays at being television tough guys.’

Not to pick to closely but that’s the only place most of us will ever hear them. On television.

Maybe you’ve heard them talk? They sound tough. They might be tough.

Let’s find out how tough with this preliminary MMA Republicans in the Octagon tournament, before sending them to the White House.

For a preview, look at your face and be honest: can you take a punch? A choke? Of course you wouldn’t want one or the other, just know you could take either.

Face it, you’re tougher than you think. Humans are insanely tough. We’d be extinct by now if we weren’t.

Most of the MMA Republicans running for the office of President of the United States (POTUS for the acros) are baby boomers.

Does it matter? Always. These one-time swimmers in the fountain of youth have found the bubbler running a little dry.

These hippie generation conservatives aren’t the muddy free spirits you saw in the newly discovered Woodstock photos. They aren’t the muddy grunts on the ground you saw in the newly discovered Vietnam War photos either.

At least not the leaders of the GOP pack.

All are in boomer range years with two of them aged forty four, but their act is boomer friendly. That matters more than anyone knows in a whip-quick digital landscape.

Unlike athlete bios, political candidates don’t list their height, weight, reach, and other vitals. They don’t always list their affiliations in their day job either.

That leaves their faces to make a fair assessment of their ability to get punched. Or choked.

Before the lights go down, a quick explanation: Carly Fiorina isn’t in the mix because she can’t take a punch. She’s out because she’s the only woman, which means once the fight card is set she’d fight a man.

No one says she wouldn’t win the MMA Republicans in the Octagon over a man, but let’s wait for her call on it.

Some of you say she deserves her spot in the wake of women being cleared for combat duty in the armed forces, but she’ll have to decide on her own if she wants to take down a Red brother.

To keep it fair, since none of the Republican candidates is a self-described fighter outside of the political arena, the punch they’d have to take in the octagon comes from a female MMA fighter.

If they can take that punch, the match makers will pair them up against each other in a bracket.

The punchers to choose are either Holly Holm, one hundred and thirty four pounds of kick ass, or Ronda Rousey at one hundred thirty five pounds and the former champion who got her ass kicked by Holly Holm.

Choose Holly or Ronda, then take a close look at the MMA Republican faces in the top pic.

HUCKABEE VS CHRISTIE

Chris Christie.

He’s got a fighters name. He sounds like a fighter. He’s from New Jersey so he’s got the Jersey Boy cred.

The name Chris Christie sounds like Kris Kristofferson and he was a boxer. It also sounds like Chris Cross the singer who had a nice career before MTV.

Cross and Christie have a similar appearance, so he’s got that going for him.

Could Chris Christie take a punch?

He’s athletic enough to play baseball and move around.

He could bob and weave and slip a punch. That counts.

Mike Huckabee

If Iron Mike Huckabee can take a hit, he and Christie the Crusher will have the first match in the MMA Republicans in the Octagon tournament.

Just saying the name Huckabee feels like a stick and move fighter, a dancing counter-kicker on his backward bike like Muhammad Ali.

Could Mike Huckabee take a punch?

Pictures of Huckabee remind me of pictures of Chuck Norris. He looks like he could take the knockout kick Holm landed on RR.

THE FIGHT

Christie comes out fast in the first round and gassed in the second.

They swing and miss once, twice, three times.

Christie taps himself out catching his breath, says he was misinterpreted.

Mike Huckabee’s people lift him until he straddles the top rail. He fights them all the way.

CRUZ VS RUBIO

Ted Cruz

Looks like a bleeder who’ll take punches he shouldn’t and surprise with his stamina.

A narrow face makes a smaller target, but the hooks will have a bigger target on the side of his head.

Can Ted Cruz take a punch?

The guy was born in Canada. Canadians play hockey. Hockey players take punches all the time.

Marco Rubio

He looks cagey, hard to hit. You might tag him but he’s coming back with a counter before you’re ready.

You can see it in his eyes. He’s got more than he shows. The first time you see his skills might be the last time you see anything. Lights out, son.

Can Marco Rubio take a hit?

You couldn’t take a swing at Rubio without him coming after you. You can see it in his eyes. There’s lots going on in there. Probably too much.

The ladies would take a pass on punching Marco Rubio. Too unpredictable, might go off script.

THE FIGHT

Rubio comes in low. Cruz leans over and catches an uppercut doubled up by a forearm smash across his nose.

Blood spurts everywhere but Cruz won’t go down.

Rubio circles for a Superman punch to end the fight.

Cruz deflects the punch, catches Marco in the air, and drops him face first to the ground.

Cruz can’t finish and the match goes five rounds.

The judges score the winner. One can’t find his card, another lost his pencil.

With only one judge the fight results go to the ROC (Republican Octagon Court) and they find for the Florida Flash.

BUSH VS TRUMP

(Like English majors who read the end of a bad book for the rest make sense, the other candidates for MMA Republicans in the Octagon tournament had to be cut to make room for the main event.)

If you want to be the best, you need to beat the best. The Bush family is the best.

Trump knows this.

Donald Trump

This is the best sort of fighter, the kind who don’t know when they’re beat because they land the biggest blows against themselves.

These fighters bring all of their emotions to the fight, from indignation to self-serving victimization.

They get hit a lot. Behind closed doors. And always say, “You think I look bad, you shoulda seen the other guy.”

Except he is the other guy, too, like the punk in the first Dirty Harry who paid for a beating he could blame on Inspector Callahan.

Could Don Trump take a punch?

Yes, because he’d hope to date either Holm or Rousey afterward.

Call it motivational thinking.

Jeb Bush

He’s got the height. He’s got the reach and youth.

But does he have the heart?

This is a man who looks like he’s been in neutral all his life waiting for someone to tell what to do next.

What he did in the 2000 election as Florida governor is make sure brother George won his state no matter the vote count.

He delivered that hit.

Can Jeb Bush take a punch?

It seems he’s been a whipping boy for the Bush family, so what’s another tap to his head.

THE MAIN EVENT FOR MMA REPUBLICANS

Trump: Not to sound over confident, but why not, I’d beat Jeb like a redheaded stepchild.

Bush: You’ve got the red hair and I think you know it since you spend more time looking in the mirror than Cinderella’s stepmother.

Trump: The mirror is more kind to you since you dropped all that Florida weight.

Bush: That doesn’t mean I won’t drop you, old man.

Trump: Your old man and I talked about this. He said work toward your weak shoulder.

Bush: I knew he always liked George better.

Trump: Everybody likes George better. He’s quite an accomplished artist. What have you done with your life, loser.

Bush: Learned Spanish.

Trump: So you can speak to the criminals flooding across our borders?

Bush: To talk with my wife’s family in their language. Communication is good, Don, and screaming stupid slogans for the lowest common denominator isn’t communication.

Trump: As a low common denominator in your family I think you’ll understand my body blows just fine. Your dad also said you have a weak spine so get ready for the boom getting lowered.

Bush: What? You’re calling in some of your Atlantic City pals to fight for you?

Trump: Not needed for a lightweight like you, Jebber.

Bush: Don’t call me that.

Trump: What Jebber?

Bush: That’ll be the last time.

Trump: I don’t think so.

Bush: I’ll bet it is the last time.

Trump: Come on Jebber, what’s the problem?

Isn’t this the sort of debate MMA Republicans need?