MARRIAGE EXPERIMENTS: DUCK FOOTBALL OR PORTLAND TRIP?

Marriage experiments are not for the non-scientist.

I’m not a scientist, but my wife is.

She’s the one who tries new things and keeps an eye out for my response.

But that doesn’t make me the experiment. Or does it?

Wife: We’re leaving at 12:30.

Me: (looking at game schedule) Remind me what’s going on at 12:30.

Wife: We’re going to SE Portland for Day of The Dead celebration.

Me: Día de Muertos?

Wife: Si. (She’s been to Mexico and Spain)

Me: The Ducks kickoff at 12:30, so . . .

Wife: I’ll record it for you.

Me: For me, or for you?

Wife: For us.

Me: (This is a tough one. ‘For us?’) We’re going out to 82nd Avenue instead of watching Duck football?

Wife: It’s on 8th street, SE 8th.

Winning The Marriage Experiments

For the husbands:

How can you participate in a group plan that excludes your plans of drinking beer and making the right officiating calls while cussing the refs?

Even more important, if you go along, can you do it without complaining and rushing to get back for the end of the game?

In other words, can you join in without resorting to jackassery?

For the wives:

Try and appreciate your husband’s sacrifice for your peace of mind.

He might be distracted checking scores on a college football afternoon with his team ranked and climbing.

If you have a husband who participates in this peculiar marriage experiment, take note:

Is he patiently waiting for things to unfold, or is he taking a stand to ruin the weekend?

Results may vary in case by case.

In this case, I went with reservations I kept to myself. And then . . .

In The Car To Visit Portland

Jo (family friend): Let’s go.

Wife: David’s driving.

Me: I’m in the car.

Jo: Great. Did you know my father’s blacksmith shop was in South Portland.

Me: Your father was a blacksmith? Did he come out on the Oregon Trail?

Jo: It was his father’s shop, and no they didn’t come out on the Oregon Trail. My dad helped interpret between Italian and English. Why, do I look that old?

Me: No one looks that old.

Wife: South Portland?

Me: Urban renewal South Portland that took the character out of the city in place of what? A Chicago look of stray apartment towers popping up?

Jo: That’s exactly what happened. Too many Italians.

Me: Or too many land developers looking for the easiest place to push people out.

Jo: Not everyone landed successfully.

Me: That had to alienate people.

2

Jo: Speaking of alienation, I heard a thing about Incels. Do you know what an Incel is?

Me: Involuntary celibate.

Wife: What?

Me: Guys who complain about their lack of companionship, guys who couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse.

Jo: It’s a real thing. Too many young men are isolated and out of touch. Working from home has been a disaster for them.

Me: Have you ever dated someone who lives in their mother’s basement? Would you?

Jo: I don’t know. But these are people who buy guns for a shooting massacre. It’s a crisis.

Me: It is, but being involuntary celibate isn’t a death sentence for people in malls, schools, or churches. Guys don’t whip out their limp dick and people fall dead. Instead, they replace it with cold, hard, steel and feel like somebody.

Wife: It’s a mental health problem.

Me: I agree, and it’s poor mental health buying guns and ammo to complete ‘their mission.’

Where Is Yamhill?

Wife: Which bridge is the best to get on Yamhill?

Jo: Yamhill? Isn’t it near Burnside?

Me: I’ve got it.

Wife: You always say you’ve got it.

Me: I’ve got it, had it, and still have it.

Jo: We should take the Marquam Bridge.

Me: Then the Water Street exit. Boom.

Marriage Experiments Result

Cargo was our destination.

If you take the Water Street exit off I-5 and go straight, Cargo is a couple of blocks away.

(Water Street exit is now OMSI)

You can see it from the exit stop sign, but that didn’t keep us from driving around for half an hour looking.

Three smart phones, but we were winging it.

I wanted to park the car as soon as possible, but cruising inner Eastside Portland is one of my favorite jams.

Wife: Turn right.

Me: Okay.

Wife: Not this street, the next.

Jo: I think it’s back the other way.

Me: Just a reminder for the next time I take the Gillaspie Portland Tour of our old apartments and neighborhoods before we deserted town? Let’s do it with enthusiasm, like we’re doing now. I’m happy to keep driving around and not stopping.

Wife: It’s a deal.

Me: Let’s drive up to Hawthorne and 11th and see our old place.

Jo: Here’s Yamhill.

Wife: Thank God.

Me: I’ll drop you off and come back in an hour, or park the car.

Wife: There’s a space.

Me: Too small. I’ll park and come into Cargo and find you.

Successful Marriage Experiments Looks Like This

We came, we saw, we got home for the end of the Duck’s game, a win over the Cal Bears.

Call it a Win-Win.

Later I did some reading.