MALE PAIN, WHAT PILL CURES THAT ILL?

If you’re a man with male pain, or a woman living with a male pain man, what is the proper remedy for the hurting hero?

After all, pain comes at us from every angle from every source so often it’s hard to know what to do.

However, with all options on the table, there’s one time tested response that never works. What would that be, you ask?

Start with whining and complaining like a little bitch instead of trying to be a mature adult and asking for what you want.

Where I grew up, how I grew up, we learned to ask for things, starting at the dinner table. Your hand was open season if you reached over someone’s plate instead of asking them to pass the galooski.

And everyone had their fork poised for quick response.

So, instead of, “Please pass the bowl of rice and hamburger cooked in tomato sauce full of green peppers, please,” you got a fork in the arm for reaching.

I never asked for more Tower Street Paella.

Looking back in time I see a whiny little bitch act taking shape when I refused to eat something that literally turned my stomach. Since it was green peppers, and my parents wanted to raise big strong boys, I should have kept my mouth shut.

Actually, keeping my mouth shut was the problem. I wouldn’t eat that version of Spanish rice with the overload of green peppers, and my loving parents thought of it as my first power play.

Since they were the power, I stayed at the table until I either ate what was on my plate, or passed out. Whenever I detected the foul aroma of green peppers in the air, I knew to bring a pillow to dinner.

The funny thing about it was mom and dad’s determination to help their kids. For me that meant more green peppers on everything. As a mature adult, I enjoy red peppers, orange peppers, yellow peppers, jalapeño peppers, and most other peppers. I even went to Valencia, Spain for the same paella Ernest Hemingway ordered.

Green peppers still suck, but thanks for all the extra attention.

Male Pain Awareness

The male pain of being ignored, passed over, shelved, or locked out is harder to remedy.

If the rest of the world had any other notions, they should know by now that the American male is the star of their own movie.

We are the hero who saves the day, the man in shadow who brings light, the one who can do what can’t be done by anyone else, just him.

That’s the attitude of the farm hand who packs a piece because, “No one’s gettin’ over on my watch.”

It’s also the attitude of bold men who eschew pandemic health measures like wearing a mask, keeping distance, and washing their hands. One such manly man whipped his piece out during a zoom call, saying, “This is what I carry for public health and personal safety.”

Thank you, Dr. Jeffrey Barke.

His male pain says, “No mask needed, I got a gun, so don’t crowd me if you know what’s good for you.”

The hospital where he is a listed doctor says, “His personal views in no way represent the views of Hoag or Hoag Medical Staff, and are inconsistent with those of all recognized medical and scientific organizations.”

Time For Good Sense

If you listen hard enough, then you’ve heard the probable cause of male pain.

From a lifted truck to a lowered Chevy; a weapons arsenal at home to NRA membership; from personal message back tattoos to a flesh-wall for protection, man pain isn’t a result of junk issues.

A problem penis isn’t the cause of all male pain, but it has to contribute.

The center of attention needs to understand time and place. It’s okay to be someplace where someone else is the center of attention.

“I don’t think I’ll go tonight,” they say.

“Oh, you’re going and you’re going to sit quietly,” they hear.

You can do it.

“This isn’t my kind of place,” they say.

“It doesn’t matter, we’re not staying the rest of our lives. Find a comfortable place and be polite,” they hear.

Take the help offered.

“Why are all of these people around all the time?” they ask.

“They are our children and we love them,” they hear.

Listen to reason.

When you belong to a group, and you’re the leader, you get the most attention. If you get a bug up your butt and opt out of the group, you’re still the center of attention.

One elderly lady wondered what she had done wrong for her son to ignore her for decades. She and I talked about her feelings. I tried convincing her she did nothing wrong. We left it at that.

What I didn’t tell her was she had a funky son with social problems, like dating, showing others he cared about them, and making enduring bonds with people.

That seemed to ease her worry. What I didn’t tell her was my personal opinion.

The man in question had never played the kid game of Who Can Hit The Softest. Do you know the game?

One kid bets the other a dollar he can hit softer than him. He goes first, hits the kid in the shoulder as hard as they can, declare defeat, and hands over the dollar without giving the other kid a turn.

He’d never played the One Inch Punch In The Shoulder game. Have you?

First, you tell the other guy you can hit him harder from an inch away than he’s ever been hit. You can hit him so hard he might fall down, so encourage them to stand in front of a chair.

If they’re are grown men, they will call bullshit and give you an extra inch. Once you get them in front of a couch or chair, explain again that you’re going to hit them in the shoulder from an inch away and drop them to the couch. Tell them to brace themselves. They will laugh it off.

Put your right fist an inch from their shoulder, left foot in front of right. Swing your hips like you’re hitting a baseball while bringing your right forearm to their shoulder with the full force of your body weight. In other words, you’re not using your fist, you’re using your forearm with a short throw before impact.

Do it right and the other guy flies backwards so hard they hit the couch. If it’s not against a wall, the couch tips over.

The old woman’s son needed an older brother for his male pain.

What’s your male pain story?