LOOK FEAR RIGHT IN THE F’ING FACE

To new readers: I looked fear in the face during a match against hpv16 throat cancer. And I’m a chickenshit. Maybe you look fear in the face your own chickenshit way.

This is how I did it; this is how you can do it:

Don’t try and outsmart the doctors. You can’t, even if you’re a doctor getting treated by another doctor. The treatment part clouds judgement.

You’ll never be as smart as the docs working on you, but you can be anxious that you should know more than you do, a lot more.

That’s called a bad train of thought. Do you job, which is show up, take meds on time, and be glad you caught up with medical treatment ‘just in time.’

Timing a big fear factor.

“I’m sorry, you’re too late,” is what no one wants to hear, along with, “Go home and put your effects in order.”

Those are a few of the trillions of frightening thoughts that came with a stage four alert in my neck. My doc added comfort by saying his research will demote hpv16 cancer to stage one, but he’s not quite there.

This was the same man who said he had an eighty five year old patient with the same cancer that tagged me who drank a shot of whiskey every day through treatment.

They were nice stories, I just don’t believe them based on the torching experience I had.

A Reason To Look Fear Right In The F’ing Face

Right when you think you might die a slow grinding death regretting every extra breath, resenting every swallow for the pain it induces, every hiccup in your heart, you won’t need a mirror to look fear in the face. Just look around where you are.

If you’re at home, look around the room. Not much has changed, just you. Once you climb into the suffering cocoon, tunnel vision kicks in and all you can see is a place without you.

Who was that kid in the family pictures that looks so much like you? Who was in the graduation photos with your friends, the class reunion photos, the vacation photos, the wedding album?

Who was it, because you don’t recognize yourself in the light of the cocoon.

That’s the fear you fight, brothers and sisters, the fear of fading away in front of your own eyes. The big surprise is that you’re not fading away while you think you are. It’s the opposite.

If you can see where your life has been, but not so clearly, then you have the mental energy to see where your life will lead from that moment forward. Project outward, not inward. I learned the hard way, the inward thing. Someone might call it having my head in my … in the sand.

It’s still your world while you’re in it. Until you hear the final whistle, do things. Doing things ups your fear game. Do things that frighten you into realizing you’ve got things to do.

You won’t temp fate by silently mumbling, “You can come at me, but it won’t be easy.”