HUSBAND CLASS 101: THREE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS

The most important words to remember after the “I do” that started Husband Class in the beginning?

Not the Big Three: “I love you,” with all of the emotional freight. Those three words promise the universe; the other three fill in the blanks.

Three words: “Yes, I will.”

If it sounds like work, you’re right, but it’s work no one else can do.

Pencils sharp, notebooks out, phones off? Let’s start.

What is Husband Class, and why should you pay attention?

Asking what a husband ‘is not’ is where we’ll start, and the reason for husband class.

1. A husband is not a wild animal caught in a trap, who no matter how long married, who will always look for a chance to escape.
2. A husband is not a piece of furniture that came with the apartment, house, or yurt.
3. A husband is not a farm implement, or animal.

Husband Class 101

If you drive a red car, you notice other red cars. It’s not a problem, just how things are. It’s the same with being a husband.

Once you’re a husband, you notice other husbands. In fact, once you join the ranks, you’re expected to live up to certain standards.

Did you have a busy dating life when you were single, with lots of lady friends? As a husband, that’s all finished. The only lady friends allowed are your wife’s friends.

The catch here, and again a reason for Husband Class 101, is approval, and not a wife’s approval.

A wife may say, “Go out, have a ball, take your time.” That means, “If you loved me the way I thought you loved me you wouldn’t want to go out, but you can’t see that, you can’t see the tears I keep hidden, or hear the heart break beating my ribs until they crack.”

To go, or not to go?

Whatever a husband and wife agree to, if the husband has too long a leash the wife will hear about it.

One of her friends may be over for tea, and the husband comes in.

“Hi, honey, I’m home,” he says.

“Oh good, Linda is here. Where’ve you been?” she asks.

“Down at Elmer’s drinking beer and playing video poker in the bar. I love that place, it’s better than Chinook Winds,” he says.

“Did you see anyone you know?”

“Yes, Carly says hello. We shared a video poker machine. She is so funny when she wins and gets all excited and starts jumping around,” he says.

“Did she win?” Linda asks.

“She won a few times,” he says.

Will Linda and the wife talk about how much winning was going on? If Linda doesn’t approve, the husband will hear about it one way or another.

They talk later.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to play video poker with Carly,” wife says.

“Okay.”

“She might be a little too much,” wife says.

“Okay.”

“Is she? Does she push up on you, clamp onto you, or anyone else?” wife asks.

“I think you’re right about her.”

“She’s a nice woman and I like her, but there’s something about her I’m not sure of,” wife says.

“You’re probably right.”

“Are you thinking of her when you’re with me?” wife asks.

“No.”

“I mean, if you could be down at Elmer’s instead of here with me, would you go?” wife asks.

“No, and it’s not because it’s two in the morning.”

“What if it wasn’t?”

“Wasn’t what?”

“Two in the morning.”

“Except it is and we’ve got things to do tomorrow.”

“You never want to talk and always have an excuse.” wife says.

“Let’s talk in the morning.”

“You’ll just forget.”

“I’m counting on you to remember.”

Husband Class reminder: be the first to remember

If you’re not the first to remember bringing something up you didn’t want to talk about, you’ll slide down a slippery slope you didn’t know you were on.

If you forget, you’ll be called evasive, and no one wants that tag. If you’re good at being evasive, that’s one thing, but to be called on it is bad form.

Bring up uncomfortable topics. Be pro-active.

Should you remember everything from birthdays to anniversaries for everyone you and your wife know? If she does, that’s enough. Remember her birthday like it’s the key to the universe, though. That’s your mission.

Remember to give off a wild animal feral vibe now and then, like you might escape but you’ve learned to control yourself.

Practice the art of calmness. The blue velvet couch in the front room is a model of calm. Be calm like a blue velvet couch.

The three words we started with at the top of this post? Yes, I will? Say it now. Did you say it? Good, now say it after this:

Can you make your wife understand that you know what’s good about the relationship, the marriage, is what’s good about her? Can you explain that in a few thousand words or more?

Go ahead and say it. Yes. I. Will. Now say it like you mean it.