HGTV / FOOD NETWORK MYSTERY

image via niketalk.com

Property Brothers kidnap Barefoot Contessa. Edina and Patsy take the case.

A black and white photograph sits on a table separating two women on one side, a man on the other.

The photo shows a woman’s legs with her feet in a pair of Nike sport shoes.

Drew Scott leans back in his chair, hands still on the table.

Edina and Patsy huff a small jar of Locker Room, light their cigarettes, and blow smoke across the table.

Scott: There’s no smoking. No smoking in restaurants, airplanes. No smoking in parks or schools. Yet here you are, the two of you.

Edina: When you’re absolutely fabulous darling, you can do these things.

She blows smoke rings within smoke rings then a smoke arrow that pierces them.

Scott: When were you all that? No one remembers.

Patsy: What people do remember is who is who with Edina and me. Can’t say the same about you and Drew.

Drew: I am Drew.

Edina: So you say. Now you’ve captured the innocent Ina Garten, our favorite Barefoot Contessa, and put shoes on her. That’s more than cruel.

Drew: That was one Jonathon’s ideas. He can’t stop adding things on. It might be cruel, but not as cruel as forcing an audience to watch two older women with expired shelf lives get wasted and make fun of elderly women.

Edina: I can’t listen to this poof and chop lines of coke at the same time.

Drew: Did you call me a poof?

Patsy: She did.

Drew: My brother and I are not poofs.

Patsy: She didn’t say your bother was a poof. Just you. At least he’s not afraid of dirt.

Edina: Like we can tell you apart. You’re both poofs.

Drew: What gives you the right to call anyone names? A couple of washed up addicts in nice clothes don’t make you the boss of anyone.

Patsy: We’re the boss of you until you give up Ina.

Drew: Who?

Edina: The Barefoot Contessa, you poof.

Drew: I’ve had about enough out of you.

Edina: I haven’t even started.

Patsy: You’ll be crying like a little girl before she’s done.

Edina: Looks like he does that regularly. Such an evolved man with his emotions and his so-called twin.

Drew: You want the Barefoot Contessa to start your own Food Network Mystery. Well forget it. She’s going to be on an HGTV Mystery.

Edina: Sure she is. You’ll have some sucker home buyer bashing a wall down only to find Ina there with a bowl of fresh corn salad.

Drew: You want her on your show so you’ll have fresh drinks and a bottomless bong.

Patsy: He does make a good point, you know.

Edina: Let’s think this through together. Drew, between you and Jonathan you’re more our style. With a little help, you could be an Ab Fab ad on.

Patsy: But you have to bring Ina with you. Just you and Ina and Edina and I. Ab Fab on ‘roids. Bigger, Smarter, Sexier.

Drew: Abandon my twin brother?

Edina: He’s a contractor, he’ll build a new life.

Drew: I’ll think about it.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking about a Food Network Mystery.