HACKED EMAILS OF HISTORY

A greater truth from hacked emails.

History is full of misunderstandings and mistakes from people on all sides.

They didn’t start out making mistakes on purpose, but the results speak for themselves.

Communication has always been an interpretive issue, like facial expression, tone, and body language through email. It doesn’t happen, but we don’t stop emailing, we just get better with practice.

Keep that one in mind as you read Hacked Emails of History.

Natives read hacked emails from the Mayflower.

“Pilgrim Settlement Plan:

We arrive and take land. When the natives complain we invite them to work the land for us.

We free our indentured servants and send them out to find more land.

When the natives complain we invite them to farm that land, and all the other land we take. For free.

Make friends with the big tribes so they can subdue the smaller tribes for us and we can take their land.

By the time we take the big tribe’s land there won’t be many left to complain.”

The native hacker presents the hacked email to his Chief who asks, “What does this mean?”

“I’m not sure, maybe we can help them get settled.”

France hacks Thomas Jefferson’s email after the Louisiana Purchase.

“They sold us property nearly three times as big as France. Can you believe that? What were they, drunk?

Who sells a third of a continent? Better yet who beats them down to $15 million? Washington could never do that. Adams either.

Reminds me of a piece of writing I did a few years back:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

I lifted some of this from France. Now I lifted the Louisiana Purchase. I love Paris.”

A French hacker shakes his head and says, “This guy is worse than Ben Franklin.”

Sitting Bull reads Custer’s hacked emails.

“I don’t care if the whole world surrounds the Little Big Horn. I’m Custer, damnit, George Custer, Old Yellow Hair. If that doesn’t strike fear into our native brothers and sisters, our blue Army uniforms will.

We’re surrounded? Outnumbered? Please. This isn’t the Battle of Bull Run, or Gettysburg, or the Siege of Petersburg. I was there. I know. It’s not the Civil War to save the nation, just a little dust up to settle things down here in the west.

Let’s just finish up and go home. No will ever know what we’ve done here, and most likely never care. But they’ll remember Old Yellow Hair in the victory parade, you can count on that.”

Sitting Bull emails Crazy Horse with, “I feel sorry for his men.”

Germany hacks English email during WWI.

“Nonsense and stuff with this silly German invention, this machine gun. A machine will never be a real gun. It is a weapon of no consequence.

What will The Hun do when we charge their little machine guns in such great numbers that we overwhelm them. They can’t kill us all. We will wait here in our trenches as long as we have to, until they run out of bullets.

We cannot and will not be defeated. Say, do you notice an odd eggy smell, old man?

Stalin hacks Hitler’s email before WWII.

“Can you believe that silly dwarf of a Russian? We sign a non-aggression pact and he thinks I won’t attack him through Poland? We’ve got Poland lined up, right? So many details when you’re a dictator. No one appreciates the pressure I live with.

And now I’ve heard that silly song that infuriates me no end. I could scream every time I hear it.

Hitler has only got one ball,

Göring has two but very small,

Himmler has something sim’lar,

But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.

I swear, if I find the lyricist responsible, I don’t know what I’ll do, but mark my words, it will be bad. The baddest ever, and I’m a bad, bad, man.

Some goes for the man who leaked the information. One ball, ha. Real men only need one. One ball will conquer Russia.”

George Bush reads hacked emails from Al Gore.

“I don’t care if his dad was a Senator, head of the CIA, Vice President, and President. My dad was a Senator, too. I was a Senator, for heaven’s sake. And Vice President. I know how the game gets played. I invented the game.

His brother is the Governor of Florida? Like that matters. What can Florida do to influence a Presidential election. And yes, I know his dad appointed Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. He’s a non-entity, never talks, barely participates. Makes you wonder what the heck he does all day.

No, this one, the 2000 race to the White House, is already done and in the bag. Chalk one up for Big Al. Easy on the big part. I’m trying to lose a few pounds before the inauguration.

Tipper will make such a great First Lady. She’s really looking forward to the role. Big plans for her.

Hacked emails from Hillary Clinton?

From nytimes.com:

Mrs. Clinton’s best defense, and one she cannot utter in public, is that whatever the risks of keeping her own email server, that server was certainly no more vulnerable than the State Department’s. Had she held an unclassified account in the State Department’s official system, as the rules required, she certainly would have been hacked.

And:

Moreover, for truly sensitive data, the State Department does not use its own networks at all. It quietly uses a network run by one of the major intelligence agencies, according to officials familiar with the system. That suggests a lack of confidence that State’s classified systems can be fully trusted.

Who else sees IT careers beginning and ending this year? Comments welcome.