GET MARRIED, STAY MARRIED, HERE’S HOW

When you get married something happens.

A woman with an upcoming marriage had this to say:

‘My fiancé is so sweet. He told me it was my day and he’d do his best to make it great.’

Who wouldn’t want to hear that? Did you hear that?

Sometimes a wedding is the start of better things to come:

 

I got married in the same rig Prince Charles wore when he married Diana, a morning coat suit.

It had the feel of a prom, a wedding, and a funeral to cover an entire life span.

But it didn’t start out that way:

Me: How about I get a new jean jacket and we have a western themed wedding. We’re in the west, and Sandy, Oregon is in the country.

Wife:

Me: Okay, new jeans and a sports coat for a casual wedding that will put everyone at ease?

Wife:

Me: I could borrow one of Glenn’s suede jackets. That’s a good look.

Wife:

Me: Maybe a new suit? I don’t have a suit so we’d kill two birds with one wedding.

 

My wife had me figured out from the start.

Not that she married a slacker, but a jean jacket wedding? It sounds kind of cool.

Me: Here’s an idea, why don’t I dress up like Prince Charles and make my brothers wear the same gear? Sounds kind of stupid, right?

Wife: Here’s the number for the tux rental place. Be sure and get your brothers’ measurements so they don’t look like they’re wearing a monkey suit.

Later:

Me: We’re wearing morning coats.

Brothers: You said no monkey suits.

Me: She didn’t go for the jean jackets.

Brothers: We already bought them.

 

Testing The Husband Material

People want to know what they’re getting into ahead of time. Most people.

But how can you be sure about something like marriage?

If you marry your high school sweetheart you’ve got history.

A college sweetheart also has history, just a shorter time frame.

After that you’re marrying some stranger you met on the street?

That was the old way. You meet in church, through friends, at work.

I tell people to look in the self-help section of a bookstore for marriage material.

Find someone looking for the same books you need and ‘Ta Da’ instant soulmates.

Or the vegetable section of the supermarket.

In the long run you don’t want someone hung up on weird veggies and fruit who think you’re the weirdo.

Mmm, dragonfruit.

 

My then girlfriend and eventual wife said, “I’ve made plans for us to go to a spa downtown.”

Me: A spa?

Her: With a sauna and a hot tub.

Me: Sounds fun. Do we need swimsuits

Her: I’ve invited another couple.

Me: So yes on swimsuits.

Her: It’s two women and since we’re adults, I’m not taking a swimsuit.

 

I knew the two women she invited and it seemed an odd choice, unless this was a pre-marriage test.

How will an eventual groom handle himself with three naked women?

I mean, I wasn’t an eventual groom yet, but I suspected she had plans for that too, and this was a Pass/Fail test.

 

 

Get Married For The Right Reasons

With three bare naked ladies in the sauna, then hot tub, I spent most of the time in the shower.

The cold shower.

They didn’t seem to mind and it turned out to be a nice night out.

After we were married and I’d put on a few pounds or twenty, I asked her:

Me: Would we have gotten married if that night had turned into a three on one orgy?

Wife: What night?

Me: That spa night.

Wife: You mean if we couldn’t help it and threw ourselves at you over and over and over again.

Me: Something like that, yeah.

Wife: No.

Me: So it was a test.

Wife: It was a spa date, not a Playboy Mansion date in the grotto hump-fest.

Me: Call it whatever you want but I was with three playmates that night.

Wife: And you did fine.

Me: Luckily there was a cold shower.

Wife: What?

Me: What?

 

Wedding Anniversaries All Matter

The older you get the easier it is to let things like weddings anniversaries slide unless it’s a big one on the fives.

Today is #38 for me, for us.

Thirty-eight years after I asked my girl to marry me, a ten minute break-up where she explained her plans if we didn’t get married, then a re-proposal.

Hot Tip: Your fiance may not take to being demoted to girlfriend and start their life over somewhere else.

It happens. You break-up and they find someone on the rebound and it’s all over, no second chances.

I ended our break-up in ten minutes because we stared down a future without each other and didn’t like what we saw.

I would have condemned myself to being a loner comforted by the attentions of beautiful women trying to ease my pain of missing out on the love of my life.

You know those guys. They are a sad bunch after the fun stops.

She would have married a dashing dude, then divorced him because he wasn’t me, then married another loser who also wasn’t me.

We would have missed out on raising the kids who turned out to be the kind of guys I’m proud to know; missed out on meeting the lovely women they married; missed out on the grandkids who re-invent the world as we know it.

Get married and life changes; have kids and life changes, then you have to stay married because a wife and kids ruin you for the night life, the swinging times, the four in the morning last calls.

If you are married, may it be a blessing to you both.

I’ve seen to many divorced guys haunted by their marriage experience.

One old divorced guy said, “It took my five years before I stopped hearing her nagging voice in my head.”

Did I tell him, “You sound like you were the problem you old coot?”

A soon to be divorced guy poured out his woes from a bar stool.

Guy: I’m moving out tonight.

Me: Sorry to hear it. Was there another guy?

Guy: Yes.

Me: I knew it. What’s with these fuckers hitting up on married women. Where did she meet him, a bookstore, a supermarket?

Guy: It wasn’t her, it was me.

Me: I hope it works out for all of you. Hey, my wife’s calling, gotta go.