FRIENDSHIP FEAR: WHAT DO THEY REALLY WANT?

Friendship fear doesn’t start early. If you’re watched toddlers in daycare, they’re not afraid of new people.

It doesn’t start in the neighborhood either. The bigger concern for young kids are older kids pushing them around.

Unless you grew up in a bully-free zone, which is a homeschooled only child living under strict rules of where to go and what to do, you’ve had friendship fear and questions.

Many youth experiences include organized sports in a thriving community like Tigard, and maybe where you live.

Youth sports is where you meet the same people you’ve known from attending school events, but they’re different.

Normal father types turn into Sports Dad; mothers become team moms. The change is dramatic when non-athletic men turn into Sports Dad. They spent their competitive years doing ‘other things’, but now they are experts in training, nutrition, and coaching.

So a large, soft, guy who’s never been on a team, or been coached in a way that got through to them, has a new role since his first grader joined a soccer team.

If you knew Sports Dad before they had kids, you’ve seen the evolution. It starts with a hat, then a jersey, then the shoes. Why do dumpy dudes dress in sports gear to watch their baby practice kicking a ball?

Because it brings extra emphasis? Or because they always wanted to play something, but their parents wouldn’t sign the permission slip.

These guys have no friendship fear because they don’t have friends. If they do, they risk losing them by stepping out of the non-sport shadows.

If you’ve heard of indoor soccer, then you know the scene: school gym with limited seating. I took a team to Lake Oswego for a game and the parents acted as the extra player. When the ball went out of bounds the ref let the parents put it back into play, no matter who it went off of.

It wasn’t cheating. My team lost, they complained about the other parents, and I assured them they would have won if they’d played better, and besides, it was Lake Oswego. It takes a lot of points to win there.

Friendship Fear Goes Viral

Right about now we see elements of panic in people who never panic. That’s what happens with a dual dose of illness and division.

Protesters marching in the streets have the look of “Why aren’t you marching for the right cause.”

If nothing else, video of police beatings and casual violence reminds me of my age. And my gimp. I’m a former six minute miler with an arthritic hip. I’d be an easy target to separate from the herd when the gas starts and running away is the best option. A slow jog wouldn’t cut it.

Friends who protest want you to join? If that’s not your thing, find another way to speak up, to be heard. Just know your protest friends won’t be impressed after they get clubbed and slugged, and you write a strongly worded letter to the local paper.

The pen might prove mightier than the sword, but in the moment of transition it depends on who’s holding what.

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed

How often have you counted on someone you know, a friend, and they came through? Now think how often they came through, but not the way you expected.

I coached a friend’s kid in basketball. I thought of him as a friend right up until he waited for me in the parking lot after a game to question why his kid didn’t play more. Not the sort of question I expected, but he was a non-sport guy with a non-sport kid.

I gave three answers: As a coach I wanted the kid to play in situations he could handle to build confidence; as a parent I told him to play catch with his kid to improve eye-hand coordination; as a friend I told him I was disappointed.

Apparently we weren’t good enough friends to prevent his attitude.

Best Friend Argument

I met a great guy in the gym a few years back. He was smart, funny, and knew how to lift. If you’re a gym rat, you know the drill.

Nothing else changes, but you recognize the new guy more often, that they seem to show up the same time you do.

I nurtured the friendship with my informed observations and opinions. Everybody needs one of those ‘friends’, right?

Uh, no.

In what I took as a desperate plea for help, he said, “Look Dave, I’m not looking for a new best friend.”

I didn’t tell him I was a friend of the friendless, that most of the guys I knew didn’t have any other friends except me. I have a lifetime of experience with guys who don’t know what friends are all about.

In my little world of friendship fear, family and friends come under the same heading. If you’re one or the other, once you’ve reached the top, I don’t worry about you, which means no ‘checking in’, no ‘checking up’, no ‘how are you, really.’

If you never hear from me, think of it as the ultimate expression of friendship. Then when we find a way to get together, we pick up where we left off. After years of reach-out effort, I’m more patient then ever.

On Father’s Day I got a text from an unknown number. After I lost my old phone on the Paris Metro, most numbers are unknown, so I asked who it was. It was someone with an attitude I didn’t appreciate a few years ago and haven’t spoken to since.

But it was nice knowing they could still text.

What Do Friends Really Want

Like camping, real friends want to share time together, create something fun. They want to take memories and leave only footprints.

If there a key trait to look for in friends, it’s an offer to help, an insistence on helping.

One may say, “Call me if you need help.”

Another may lurk around until they spot a help moment and dive in.

Which friend are you?