FIRST LETTERS IN MEMOIR: M E

I interrupted my blogging career when a story that needs telling appeared.

The cancer that jumped to a bump on my neck opened the door to a bigger picture than, “Oh my, cancer in my neck. How did this happen?”

I’ll always wonder how it happened, wonder how things would have been without it, wonder why I responded the way I did.

Because of all this wondering, I’m writing a memoir work in progress.

Yesterday I learned one of my competitors, a man who wrote a book on his cancer experience, died.

By all accounts Michael Becker was a good man.

I emailed his obituary writer:

Hello Matthew,
My name is David Gillaspie. I was sad to read about Michael Becker. He’s an inspiration to me as a fellow hpv neck cancer guy. We had a short exchange that ended civilly, and kicked my own memoir into gear. In the publishing world his book Walking With Purpose would be a comp I’d refer to.

He seemed like a nice man with a solid family like me, except my wife is a naturopathic doctor. After my diagnosis I half expected to hear her push for alternative remedies. What she said was get chemo and radiation. She’d had colleagues try and treat themselves and failed, but were too weak for the mainstream routine, and died.

I live in Oregon, nicknamed The Beaver State. My approach to writing a memoir that might help those who lack awareness of how hpv cancer is spread, which was a point of disagreement between Michael and I, is to aim for a wide reader base interested in sports, history, and when to say no to a partner.

This link points to a post written about me on huffinfgton post:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/portland-man-fights-hpv-throat-cancer-with-optimism_b_59d17b28e4b0f3c468060fea

I’ve been an active blogger for years. These are two links to posts I wrote and shared with Michael:
https://www.boomerpdx.com/michael-becker-walks-with-purpose/

CANCER MEMOIR FROM SMART GUY WITH HPV CANCER, AND IT’S NOT ME

Thank you for the remembrance for Michael.
Sincerely,
David Gillaspieboomerpdx.com

The light side of cancer?

It’s not news to say there is no light side of cancer, nothing funny, nothing to amuse anyone, but that didn’t stop me from looking for something to balance the dread, the anguish, the sorrow. It all comes with the cancer package.

Did Michael and I hit it off? I will say it started well, then ended when I took him to task for not being more up front with how the shitty cancer in his neck and mine got there.

He wasn’t a fan of the awkwardness of hpv neck cancer like I was. I’d call it a cultural difference. He kept his biotech CEO role instead of joining me in the once in a lifetime opportunity to explain the difference between the cancer we knew and the cancer from smoking and drinking, which has decreased.

He insisted he caught neck cancer from kissing a girl in college. I agreed with him until we got into the location part, which was a signal for him to say goodbye to his new buddy.

I’m sixty four, he was fifty, a couple of old guys, but I wanted to tell him, “Dude (I never say dude out loud), be honest with yourself and you will open the door to a better path forward. Get out of your own way, stop posting hospital pics, explaining the drugs and medications, and tell us how you really feel. Abandoned? Rejected? Deserted? Let it out, brother.”

Maybe he did and I missed it, but I’ve been reading his posts all along. Instead, he left the door open for a writer like me to get into the details of the hard pull through the cancer fire, and I say show me a cancer person who hasn’t felt abandoned, rejected, and deserted.

It’s all part or the program, the build up to big finale, and then you come to grips. Did the right people call and visit and send cards? Did your family pile on?

Everyone is different, that’s what I heard over and over, different response, different attitude, different take on cancer. My plan was to fade away as far as the whole shit show took me, then claw my way back.

What I didn’t know at the time, and what makes my memoir work in progress important, is the effect of cancer and cancer treatment on the people I lived with (my wife) and people I saw most (my kids).

They needed help more than I did

While I was content to focus on kicking cancer ass, avoiding infection from extra holes punched in my body, and dodging opioid addiction by chewing on weed brownies, my lovelies saw a different picture. This is the memoir worthy part.

One visitor checked me out and said they’d never seen that sort of human suffering on anyone. I reminded them that they lived with someone who had died of cancer. They amended by saying they’d never seen anyone suffer like me and live.

Uplifting? When I heard it I felt a competitive response, that I could out suffer anyone and stand up at the end. Anyone up for a story about grinding through trauma and still noticing the funny stuff?

I don’t know if Michael Becker was a funny guy, and I’m not saying I am, but when given the chance to explain hpv neck cancer, I did. I explained it often enough for Elaine to say, “You know, you don’t have to get into the details so much, especially when I’m listening too.”

My response, and it’s in my book, was a straight faced, “But honey, I don’t want people stigmatizing me by thinking I’ve got smoking and drinking cancer. I’m a Gym Life guy, not a bar rag guy.”

The laughs never stopped.