FEELINGS, WHOA, OH, OH, FEELINGS

Feelings are learned early in life, in the middle, and late in life.

Each stage can be as difficult as the last.

Who we become depends on how we’ve learned go express our feelings.

Especially feelings of love. You never forget feelings of love, right?

In grade school exchanging necklaces was popular, a metal chain and flat metal heart with someone’s name engraved.

Some boys traded chains and bragged about their girlfriend by showing a rusty stain on their neck; recess sweat and cheap metal left a mark. Other boys rubbed dirt on their neck and said they had a secret girlfriend.

One boy gave out chains with a blank heart because he lifted them off the jewelry counter in the Payless store. He carried a pocket full of feelings.

Fighting For Love

Remembering early feelings informs how we respond later.

If you had a fist fight over a girl in junior high, and won, how long did it last?

If you have a fist fight over a girl as an adult you might marry her.

Is it good to fight for freedom of expression? Is that the best way to show you care?

If the choice is between a card and writing a heartfelt note, or waiting for someone to insult your date so you can punch them out, do the card.

On the other hand, if an old boyfriend comes at you for dating and marrying the love of HIS life, you may want to set things straight. Just remember, hurting someone who shared a past with the one you care about might have unforeseen consequences.

If you have a situation where you feel confident and justified with stomping a current flame’s old flame, don’t do it. The last thing you want is watching your girl administer first aide to someone besides you, cradling his head on her lap, pushing his hair out of his face to look into his dreamy eyes.

Take a punch and take a dive if your girl is watching. If the guy still goes after you, you have permission to kick ass.

Feelings for parents

I remember how it was at my dad’s funeral. The kids finished it the right way.

What’s it like having someone else manage your emotions? Why would they?

Or balancing choices when there a slim line between right and wrong?

I’ve learned to do things I never would have done if I hadn’t signed up for a course of fatherhood. Where did I sign up? My wife had two kids.

The most important lesson to share is this: If you want them to be in your life, you need to make room, emotional room. Your adult kid will do and say things you wouldn’t take from another adult. With your kid, the job is finding a way to hang in and be encouraging at the same time:

# In an argument, be the one who says, “Let’s find a way to agree, or find something else to argue about. You sound like a freaking idiot.”

The last sentence is optional.

# Listening to an observation that makes you out to be the idiot? Say this: “I understand what you’re saying, but why not make it more useful instead of attacking everything.”

When there’s too much observing going on, narrow the scope, explain what you see, and move on.

#Find neutral ground before saying goodnight. That’s what adults do.

Be an adult.