FEELING IT YET? GIVE IT TIME BROTHERS AND SISTERS

Feeling old is a state of mind. At least that’s what you hear from old people.

Along with the idea that there’s a younger person is still living in what appears to be an aging body.

That’s a state of mind, too.

“I’m still eighteen, even if I’m seventy.”

Is this even a healthy attitude? Eighteen? Why not thirty. Isn’t that young enough to dream about?

Not when sixty is the new forty, and eighty is the new sixty. (I made the last one up.)

Besides, when you’re eighteen, you want to be older, at least old enough to buy a beer. And eighteen year olds have no idea how being young feels since they’ve usually got little reference.

This sixty-six year old has plenty of reference. My parents and grandparents were alive when I was eighteen, though not my grandparents on my dad’s side. They left earlier, Grandpa G to a heart attack, Grandma G to a car accident.

My aunts and uncles were still making a life for themselves back then.

Now everyone has passed on. ‘Dust to dust, ashes to ashes’ became more than a verse from the Book of Common Prayer.

Now I’ve got a couple of urns in the dugout, with one on deck.

Death Is Not A March Or A Warning

We’ve seen the death process. It’s different for everyone.

Sometimes it’s a slow process, like lowering the lights with a dimmer switch; other times it’s flipping a switch at the breaker box: On one moment, off the next.

We, the survivors, don’t have a choice other than to offer support.

During my time as a family caregiver for my father in law, I had a sense of it all coming to an end after five years.

One night after I put him to bed I told the family about my feeling.

“It’s just a feeling, but if you have something to say, go say it. He doesn’t look so good.”

And they said what they had to say. Grandpa Ken died later that night.

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My step-dad had a series of events that landed him in the hospital, then medical re-hab. A family member did heroic care duty for him.

I had a feeling, one similar to Grandpa Ken.

My kids and I saw him through the window of the re-hab center. We talked through the window screen, telling him he was the #1 Grandpa for them, and one of the best things that ever happened to our family when he married my mom.

He was alert and looking forward to getting better and going home.

Except he had a stroke later that day and went home with his eyes shut.

My brother and sister in law stood vigil for two days of sadness. Grandpa Glenn slipped away quietly.

Feeling old adds up as one after another of the important people in our lives pass on.

A Phone Call Added To This Feeling Old Post

I answered my phone to the sound of crying. I didn’t recognize the number.

It was a long-term friend who had just been told, “Put your things in order.”

She cried, I cried, then we got down to business.

“They said I need to get my affairs in order,” she said.

“Screw those people. They need to get their affairs in order and take a class on bedside manner.”

“You know what that means?” she said.

“I do, and I also know that most of the people who say you need to get your affairs in order usually don’t have their’s in order. Did they give you any ideas of what to do?”

“I know what to do, but it’s hard to hear.”

“Your affairs have been in order all the time I’ve known you and nothing has changed,” I said. “But they don’t know that.”

“I’ve got a few loose ends to tie up, but yes, my affairs are in order.”

The message I wanted to send her was one of hope.

“You set appointments and show up on time, right? Now it’s your time. You set the clock the way it’s best for you.”

“I’m starting a new chemo because the old one stopped working. Things have spread.”

“This is what the doctors do. That’s their job. Your job is to be ready for the new things, the unexpected both good and bad. That’s the legacy part of life.”

“What do you mean, legacy?” she said.

“We know each other. You know my wife and kids. We’ll never forget you. You’ve been a part of our lives and that won’t stop. You’ll be around the house for at least another fifty years, maybe longer.”

“That’s a nice thought.”

A Lasting Message For Feeling Old

Whether you learn you’re dying of cancer, or having the best day of your life, the message is the same for people aging, and by the way, everyone is doing it.

Be. A. Shining. Light.

Oprah is famous for saying, “You have to teach people how to treat you.”

Now is a good time.

You need to know how to listen to someone getting their affairs in order.

Don’t avoid the topic of imminent death by dominating the conversation by talking about your second cousin’s third wife’s uncle who had the same thing.

Try not to nervous talk about everything except the topic at hand.

Be available, be supportive, be who you’d like listening to you if you made a call after hearing bad test results.

Feeling old is normal when younger people get tagged by deadly illness, but you’ll never be as old as they feel, so try and lighten their load.

Yes, you’ll feel bad, you’ll feel defeated, that life is unfair. But those are feelings you need to manage and not drop on someone carrying an already overflowing load.

Instead, find a way to lift them up. Add a little wind beneath their wings, help them feel more alive for calling you.

We don’t ask for things to happen, the good or the bad, but we do ask how to make things better.

The woman who called me was one of my angels in a darkening time.

If you’ve had angels in your life, return the favor.