DAD DEGREES LIKE COLLEGE DEGREE, BUT GRADED BY WIFE

Dad degrees? If you’re never heard of one, it’s because they don’t exist.

Or do they? Don’t we grade parents like we do anything else?

Start with the parents from childhood, your childhood, not your kid’s. I’ll go first.

The kids down the road from the first house I grew up in didn’t even have parents. At least no one ever saw them. No mom in the yard, no dad fixing something in the garage.

They could have been raised by wolves based on behavior. We built a fort in the woods; they tore it down.

They built a fort in the woods near their house with the wood from out fort and used it a a platform for rock fights.

Our neighbor countered with pieces of a mirror he broke in his house. One kid would shine a bright reflection at the rock fight fort to blind them while two with rocks unloaded on them.

If the kids down the street were raised by wolves, our neighbor was raised by a guerrilla fighter single mom.

No dad degrees were evident.

Failed Parent Dad Degrees

A school friend’s dad came out during a play day in their yard to correct their kid while he hung his dog from a clothesline.

“Now Billy, remember what mom and I said about playing too rough with Chopper,” he said.

The kid moved on from dogs to frogs. He lived near a pond and collected them. They were mounted with nails on a tree in the yard, the back side of the tree.

“If you don’t keep them in one place, they hop away and escape,” he said.

He was a kid who invited others over to play army. Bring over your little army men, he’d say, and we can have a war.

One kid would put their little green army guys in the grass and in the sand while the other defended. Playtime ended when little psycho pulled out a can of lighter fluid and matches and melted them all for the win.

The parents were nice enough but didn’t see any problems in their kid. No dad degrees in that house.

Pained Parent

By now we all know some kids can be pretty mean. Some of them grow out of it, some don’t.

Little kids in the neighborhood learned how to make rubber band guns out of clothes pins and rubber bands. I was one of them. It was a technological innovation from just shooting rubber bands, or snapping them on each other.

The rubber band gun had some range, but didn’t leave a mark. It was all fun and games until a older kid in the neighborhood showed up with a rubber band rifle. Instead of rubber band, he used rubber strips cut from an inner-tube.

They did leave a mark, and he enjoyed shooting at everyone.

He didn’t come around much after news about his dad filtered up and down the street. The dad was wounded in a real gun fight in the park, is how the story broke.

Then it came out that he was shot in the groin. True or not, the story changed to his dad being shot in the penis by a woman in the park. And it wasn’t his wife.

What made it especially bad is the park had a small zoo that included two big eagles. They were important. The first time my dad caught me taking a leak in the back yard, he said the two big eagles, called them Dinky Birds, would swoop down whenever they saw a dinky, and clip it off to feed their young eagles.

That’s a strong image to process as a four year old. The older kid stayed away after the rest of us asked him if the dinky bird got his dad.

Again, no dad degrees.

How To Earn Dad Degrees

When is the right time to earn a dad degree? Start with the prerequisites.

First, a man must find someone who can tolerate him. Not a soulmate, not an angel, just someone who wants another person to improve, to teach, and to annoy.

If the man is competent, things move forward. Married or not, a few things happen along the way. His partner says she is pregnant? Then what?

Rule #1: Don’t ask who they think the father is.

Rule #2: Don’t ask them to call the lab so you can listen to them repeat the results of the pregnancy test.

Rule #3: If you broke rule #2 and your partner thought it was funny and called, continue. If they thought you were an inconsiderate jerk, continue anyway. You know what they say about pregnant women? It may be true, it may be false, but why test it.

Rule #4: Commit to making time to do everything the mom wants you to do, without exception. Promise to attend every event, every function, every teacher-parent meeting, every game, play, award ceremony. Do you know how to helicopter? You will.

Rule #5: Absent any commitment, pledge to do the best you can. The bond of love between a child and parent is stronger than anyone can measure. You can do it all right and still end up with resentful kid; you can do it all wrong and still be a hero.

Personal Aside

I’m a fan of education for one reason: Education works. How do I know this?

My dad kept a car in our garage growing up, a snazzy little bug-eyed TR-3. It was the promise car we’d get freshman year if we went to college.

But it needed work, so he sold it after telling the buyer the sort of work it needed. Instead of fixing the problems, the guy washed it, then drove it. What happened next? The car caught fire and burned up.

In spite of losing the ride, and risking a car fire, the kids in the family still went to college. Of the group, I dropped out the most, and returned the most. That I was inspired enough to finish college at thirty-nine is a testament to the power of education, and my smart wife.

She said something similar to, “Our kids don’t need a dropout father.”

Did she push the kids academically? Or was getting tagged for TAG enough.

All I know is I avoided the heartwarming story of going to college with the kids, discovering they get better grades, and dropping out in shame. Been there, done that.

They still did better in college than I did, and for that I’m Oregon proud. Will the feeling change with a grandkid?

Nope, and I’ve got boxes and bins of legos ready build. Do that and you may qualify for dad degrees.

The biggest test of all? Focus on being a good husband, since your wife already has her mom degree. But, does she? Does she really? If you’re asking, go back and check for who gave birth.