DAD ANALYSIS: DO IT LIKE THIS NOT LIKE THAT

Dad analysis needs to be a new science aimed directly at them.

Like all science new and old, it will need data to back up wild claims.

On Father’s Day, the claim is Greatest Dad Ever.

How many can there really be? What is the criteria?

A young family shops for, and buys, a new couch. It’s the first piece of furniture, big furniture, that wasn’t scavenged off the reject pile.

Once everyone was on board with it, the couch made a stop before it came to its new home:

Anti-stain protection.

It was either dipped or sprayed with Scotchguard.

Dad analysis comes in when the dad sat two young children down for a new couch lesson.

The lesson started with a plate of spaghetti and how to avoid problems.

“If we’re careful this will last a long time,” he says, sitting on the other end of the new couch with a plate of food.

The kids on the other end of the three cushion couch watched as their dad sat down.

If you don’t know, a plate of spaghetti is slippery, which explains how the whole load landed on the center cushion between dad and kids.

And the Scotchguard did its job. What went wrong?

Dad Analysis Part II

One dad enjoyed taking his kids on slow rides around town in an old truck with Grandma gear.

He started early to avoid faster traffic.

“Can you go faster?”

“Grandma doesn’t go fast.”

They slow-cruised through an interaction and got pulled over for running a red light. Except it was green at the start.

The dad explains Grandma gear, but the officer wasn’t interested. While doing his job, Officer Friendly also declined to engage with the young kids who were thrilled to meet a policeman.

With that special moment thwarted, the three of them continued on with a grocery run. One of the kids got sideways on how a store works and had a meltdown while the dad was checking out.

An older man helped by leaning over and screaming into the kid’s face, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT-UP?”

The dad picked his kid up and held him in his far-arm while he spoke quietly to the older man.

Conversation continued when they both walked out the door at the same time and headed toward cars parked near each other.

Once in the old truck, the dad asked, “Did Daddy say any bad words?”

One of the kids answered with, “Yes, all of them.”

“Well, that’s not the best way to talk to people, so let’s not tell mom.”

Analysis Part III: Middle School

Kids grow up and tend to want to do things they’re not ready for.

The dad isn’t ready either, but when they fix on going to a concert, they’re not going alone.

Static X was playing the Roseland on Burnside and 6th downtown Portland, and Static X was the little head-bangers newest metal band.

The dad did the duty and took a car-load of kids with their parental permission. As a responsible dad, he kept an eye on his charges.

They responded with, “We don’t need a babysitter so you don’t need to keep standing so close to us.”

The dad retreated to the balcony for a bird’s-eye view of the scene and the kids.

He stood near another man who held two glasses of beer while he sang along. The dad said, “You sound great.”

“Thank you, would you like a beer?”

Two songs later a stream of Rock and Roll beauties surround the singer and dad. The kids on the floor level took notice and start edging over and looking up.

Dad sees them and waves them away, shooing them for getting too close.

The women are funny and fun, and laugh at the dad’s jokes. He tells them about the kids on the floor watching and one of them says, “Let’s start dancing and see what they do.”

Everyone starts dancing, but the ladies have incredible dance moves to go along with their Rock Goddess outfits.

The kids ignore the Static X mosh pit and stare up at the dance party.

One of the girls tells the dad, “This is so much fun. You ought to come see us work. It’ll be even more fun,” and gives him a business card, a pass to the VIP room at an exotic dance place, in other words a stripper bar.

In the car on the way home:

“What were you doing up there?”

“Watching the band. Why were you guys looking up there.”

“There were a lot of girls around you.”

“Yes, there was.”

“Why were they around you?”

“Ask your mother. On second thought, let’s not say anything about it.”

Happy Father’s Day. Go ahead and tell Mom.