BOOTLICKER: A TASTEFUL EXAMPLE OF STYLE

A bootlicker comes in all shapes and sizes.

Baby boomers are bootlickers with years of experience.

If you want some expert advice on how to lick a boot, find an old person, but not too old, and ask questions.

How did you get started being a bootlicker?

It started in school. I wanted to be the teacher’s pet.

Bootlicking didn’t start in the home?

No, I was always the favorite, the funny one, the cute one. I always got the last cookie, the last piece of cake, the last glass of milk. Compared to the rest of the kids, I was the champ.

Did the teachers know you were a bootlicker?

I think so. After so many apples polished, trash cans emptied, and telling on classmates, I was the top bootlicker.

Did you get good grades?

Yes, and I stayed after school to study in the library.

So you were an academic bootlicker?

Some teachers were also coaches, so sports also.

How did that work?

I was the team manager, water boy, and a player.

You played football? Were you any good?

I wasn’t a quarterback. They are the real suck ups. I was good enough to letter.

Was it the letter ‘B’?

Yes, with an N, then a B.

Were you a flunky with friends?

Probably. Friends, girlfriends, teachers, parents, then I got married.

Are you a married bootlick?

Look, it’s not something to turn on and off. I’m a husband that is loyal, trustworthy, helpful, friendly, courteous.

You make it sound like a Boy Scout. Were you a bootlicking Boy Scout?

I was in the Army, too, so it all came in handy.

Are you happy living a bootlicking life?

Over all, I’d say yes. And here’s why: Too many people today have forgotten the art. Everyone’s an individual and they want things their way. You’ve heard people say they’d like to see someone go to jail? If they had the power to arrest, they’d pick their target.

It’s not a crime to be nice to someone, like I’m doing by answering your questions. You show curiosity in the right things, and if I can help, I will.

Being called names doesn’t affect you?

Some times more than others, but no. I go back to the sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Do your words hurt people? You are a writer.

Yes, I’m a writer, a baby boomer writer on a blog named boomerpdx. And no, I don’t go out of my way to hurt anyone.

That doesn’t mean I approve, if anyone asks, of name calling, fat shaming, education shaming, politician shaming, antifa shaming.

Would you call yourself a good representative of your generation?

Probably not. I’ve never sent food back, or asked to talk to a manager, or complained about much. I’ve never called anyone a low down, snake bellied, son of a bitch too stupid to pour pee out of a boot with the directions on the heel.

But I understand you’ve made grown men cry?

Yes, and I was as surprised as they were. I’ve had corrective conversations with strangers that have ended in tears. I think we were both better for it.

Is there anything you’d like to say to me?

Yes. I admire, respect, and love you.

That’s just what a brownnoser would say.

Why, thank you.

(Extra Credit Study Hall)

What is a bootlicker? A person who flatters another in order to get ahead 

Synonyms for bootlicker: apple-polisher, brownnoser, fawner, flunky, lickspittle, suck-up, sycophant, toady.