BOOMERPDX HALLOWEEN PARTY GUIDE

A Halloween party is more than chugging a twelve pack and handing out candy.

First it’s too much sugar; you know you’ll dip into the candy bowl a few times.

If you wear a costume this will happen: Scare little kids so much their parents talk about reporting you; older kids will be frightened into egging your house.

Ditch the ax-stuck-in-your-head hat, the knife through your neck gag, and the skeleton strapped to your chest that sings “Hot, Hot, Hot,” through a voice activator.

You don’t need to look that good to stay in. So don’t.

But before you gear up and head out this Halloween, review past Halloweens’ success and failure.

The Star Trek Theme Halloween Party

The theme party is a challenge unless you ignore the theme. Just be glad to get out.

Wear a Scream mask over Scream mast make up. Why? Because you’re gonna dance, you’re gonna get heated up, and you’ll need to take the mask off. Your black cape might be too warm too, but there’s a remedy.

Because you’ve got Scream make up on you’re still in character. You couldn’t drink a beer through the mask, so that’s next. Find the bar.

If you’re at the bar and another couple crowds in, stand your ground. He looks like a Viking, she’s wearing a fur collared cape. So what, you’re waiting on a Halloween beer.

When the Viking lifts the cape off his date and her costume is small patches of leather held together by leather shoe strings, stand your ground. She steps forward and dances like a VooDoo snake charmer?

Don’t be a baby and turn away.

Instead, look for your wife to make sure she’s as aghast as you at this soft-core belly dancer before you break out the Hustle moves you’ve been saving since 1977.

Drink your beer and resist the temptation to climb into the disco cage hanging from the roof.

Score: 100%. It’s Halloween, you got invited to a party.

The Church Theme Halloween Party

The party people found a nunnery and invited you?

Break out the scream mask, the special apron with the 3D features, and the black cape. You can’t go wrong with a cape.

People from all eras of religious gear are set to party and dance. Just inside the door there’s a confessional. Keep moving. You’ve got nothing to say on this night.

Follow the music. Once you make it to the dance floor, get your dance on. Nobody to dance with? It’s crowded and no one’s counting couples.

Dance, dance, dance, and when you find yourself actually dancing with someone, flash your cape open and show your special apron.

Harmless fun, or walking the tightrope? You scan the crowd and see your wife laughing. All good.

Then your dance partner flashes her cape open and she’s wearing something smaller than bits of leather and shoestrings.

She steps in, you step back tango-style. She comes in for a clench and you do a spin, then another, until you’re out of range. She likes your style and picks another guy, this time dancing with her back turned while holding his hands against her.

That devil apron is trouble.

You go upstairs and find a puppet booth with a puppet priest taking confessions. The realism is eerie. Listen hard to hear the puppet priest go through the entire ritual and the person giving heartfelt answer.

You don’t need to remind them it’s a puppet.

Carnacopia Halloween Party

The invite said wear something racy. Put on a bathrobe and go as Hugh Hefner.

You find the address in a NW Portland warehouse. Inside, the party is racing along. It looks like a clip from Studio 54.

The dance floor is a step down to a large hall with huge speakers blasting away. Everyone is jumping.

You jump, then take a breather. One of the ladies upstairs is nibbling on a chocolate penis. She hands it to you.

Six Marilyn Monroe models stand in line, each one more beautiful than the last. Only one of them is a woman and you can’t tell until someone points it out. Give them a chocolate for thanks.

The whole place looks like it could go up in smoke at any moment, but there’s also a calmness.

These are very accomplished people getting down with their bad selves.

They might look like a cast of rogues out of Henry Miller book, but that’s the fun. Just everyday people letting out the line.

Every Halloween party mentioned took months to plan and decorate. It’s a serious undertaking for a frivolous night of  determined partying.

The next time you find yourself at loose ends, wavering between home or not, dress up or not, find a party.

If you’re lucky it’ll be the party of the year that just happens to be a Halloween party.