BLACK FRIDAY OR BLACK OPS

Who Really Needs The Dick Gun Doorbuster?

The Sunday paper shows up on Thursday every Thanksgiving, loaded with consumer bait known as ads.

During a short break in the three day cooking ordeal every devout member of the Greatest Generation uses to prepare a proper meal, my MIL and I looked at the ads.

What jumped out at her were the new sporting good stores. After Footlocker and REI what do you need?

After the new stores, we looked at paper ads selling guns on the front page.

“Why are so many stores selling guns?” she asked.

“If you call yourself an outdoorsman you need a gun.”

“Not birders. Bird watching is out doors.”

“Okay, but here’s a Cabela’s Black Friday Doorbuster deal on a Browning AB3 Composite Stalker Rifle any bird watcher would love. Nothing says door buster like a shotgun.”

“Why do so many stores sell rifles. It’s crazy.”

“Crazy like the M4 MAGPUL MOE 5.56 Carbine on the Fisherman’s Marine & Outdoor front page?”

“What do those letters mean?”

“They add up to a semi-auto with a thirty round mag.”

“At a fishing store?”

“Fisherman & Outdoor. You need that gun for the outdoors. Never know what you’ll walk up on.”

“At least Bi-Mart isn’t selling guns.”

“Aren’t they? Look at the bottom of their ad. They’ve got a Ruger .22 and Remington shotgun deals. I like the gun vault beside them. $179.79 isn’t too much to save a life.”

“All guns need to be locked away.”

“Don’t look in the coat closet.”

“What?”

“Look at the Big 5 Sporting Goods ad. Nothing at the top, then turn it over for the Mossberg 12 or 20 Gauge pump shotgun combo.”

“That’s a sporting good?”

“Not as much as the Sportsman’s Warehouse Carbon 15 Superlight ORC w/Red Dot.”

“Red dot? What’s a red dot?”

“I think it’s the laser paintbrush before a coat of 5.56 NATO rounds.”

“That sounds awful.”

“Worse than Dick’s Doorbuster gun, a 12 gauge Remington?”

“Another door buster?”

“A Dick gun door buster.”

“Look at Coastal Farm & Ranch. No guns, just gun safes on the front.”

“What’s inside?”

“No guns.”

“Are you surprised?”

“I am.”

“More surprised than you’d be if you saw Joann Fabric And Craft Stores selling discount Camels, Coors Light, and Ammo?”

“I couldn’t imagine.”

“Or Pittman & Davis, Tree-Ripened Fruit And Side Arms?”

“Now you’re being silly?”

“It’s not illegal. The First Amendment guarantees our freedom of speech.”

“Well, that isn’t the same thing.”

“As long as we’re on the topic, the Second Amendment allows us to keep and bear arms.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Well, hypothetically speaking one American can talk smack without any trouble then protect themselves with legally bought weapons when they get attacked for running their mouth.”

“Why do so many stores sell guns?”

“Too many people with limited vocabularies buy too many and don’t want to go too far.”

“Is that true?”

“That’s my guess. Any others?”