BINGE EATING FOR THE HOLIDAYS

via ctpost.com

Does anything say welcome home more than binge eating?

One of life’s hard lessons is learning what is offensive to others when you’re not offended.

For instance, someone invites you over and offers a cookie.

A careful eater keeping close tabs on their diet and calories says, “No thank you.”

They said no to the cookie, but also no to ever being invited back. The cookie is a difference maker.

It’s like an invitation to dinner.

When someone invites you to their house for dinner, saying they plan on taking two days off work to cook, you’d better go.

On the day of the dinner you meet with them and they start talking the sort of crap they know bothers you. They know you’re coming to their house and it gives them free rein to push all the buttons.

It’s a good laugh until you stand them up for being a jackass.

If older people hear that you avoided dinner with someone who spent two days cooking you’ve got no excuse worthy of your absence.

In civilized company, the elder explains, one arrives at the appointed place on time and full of good humour.

No matter what.

If you feel differently, that being verbally abused by a knucklehead is enough to cancel plans, you need to do some explaining.

Never mind that all of your explaining just proves you have less class than anyone expected.

In the days before Christmas you need to remember a few things.

If offered a cookie from the spread in the top pic, exclaim how beautiful they all are and ask for one of each.

Nibble on one and ditch the others in the bathroom, or crumble them in your pocket, anything to show you love over indulging in empty calories.

Any less of an effort will insult Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and your old wrestling buddies who still layer on the gear for group sweats.

If you see a bowl of holiday hard candy say, “Oh I love this time of year,” and grab a handful. Yes, they’re all stuck together and it looks like you’re lifting the whole bowl.

via schooloftomorrowusa.com

Chip a few off and pop one into your mouth while slipping the others into a pocket.

The next time you’ll see them is after you wash and dry the pants with the forgotten candy in the pocket.

Baby boomers, and others in advanced age, need to show they’ve got holiday game, that they paid attention at their grandparents’ house.

Yards of cookies and pounds of candy means they care. Pretending to eat the stuff shows you care.

During your visit you might see a few other holiday decorations. Not all of them are meant to be eaten, but don’t let that stop you.

If you want to avoid the rude tag by showing up and chowing down on everything in front of you, show you care more than others by eating what they won’t.

via delish.com

If it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for you.

To show good will on earth, and to your friends shoving cookies and candy in your face, bite off the lizard’s head on the way out the door.

If that’s not a Merry Christmas, what is?