ADD YARD WORK TO ANY CRIME AND IT’S NOT A CRIME

The ‘get out of jail free’ card? Yard work.

Rob a bank, steal a car, and do some yard work?

Ok.

Murder and pillage and do some yard work when I get back?

Ok.

It might sound easy, but adding yard work to your list of activities means doing yard work.

If your yard needs work, and you’re the baby boomer for the job, add some incentives.

First the women, then the men.

Yard work and lady talk.

1.

She says: “I’m meeting some friends for lunch. When I get back I’m doing yard work.”

What she means: You have the list I wrote about the yard. It would be nice if you had it done by the time I get back.

What you do: Make a beer run, write her name on a garden stone with the Rock Art kit you’ve been saving for just such an emergency, drink beer and watch a game on the garage television, show her your effort when she gets home.

Love blossoms anew for caring so much.

2.

She says: “I bought some new plants to add color to the yard. I’ll plant them when I get back from the mall.”

What she means: I’d like you to plant the new flowers in the places I’ve marked.

What you do: Make a beer run, plant a few flowers, make fake deer tracks, pick one of the plants apart so you can say you tried to plant them all but had to fend off a deer attack. Then drink beer and watch a game in the garage.

Extra credit if you find an old deer rack and convince your wife you fought the deer so hard that you ripped their horns off.

Love blooms eternal for your bravery.

3.

She says: “Let’s walk through our garden and enjoy it together.”

What she means: I just took a walk and noticed a few problem areas you need to fix.

What you do: Make a beer run, mix her a gin and tonic, then sit together in the shade and tell her how beautiful the yard looks, but not as beautiful as her.

You’re on your own from there.

Yard work and man talk.

1.

He says: “The tree on the side of the house needs trimming.”

What he means: The tree’s been dead for years. It’s only a matter of time before it falls on someone. You’ll have to find someplace else to hang Tibetan prayer flags.

What he does: Saws the tree down, makes a beer run, watches a game in the garage.

2.

He says: “The sprinkler system has a leak in Zone 2.”

What he means: We’ve got two hoses. Why does anyone need a six zone underground irrigation system it takes an MIT fluid engineering degree to understand?

What he does: Dig up as many sprinklers as possible so fixing one of them looks like fixing them all, make a beer run, watch a game in the garage.

3.

He says: “The plants look a little dry over in the corner.”

What he means: I’m surprised anything lives the way they’re all crowded together. At least natural selection is weeding a few things out.

What he does: Make a beer run, pick up a bouquet of flowers, and declare the day a holiday worthy of flags and grilled chicken because your wife is a national treasure.

 

Where yard work won’t work.

An old girlfriend moved back to town. She wants to get together for drinks and do some catching up. I’ll do some yard work when I get back around midnight.

My buddy got married for the fifth time. She’s a part-time stripper with lots of friends and they’re having a lap dance reception at her club. I’ll do some yard work when I get home around midnight.

Some of they guys are heading out on a hunting trip in Nevada. They know some ranches with fair game. I’ll do some yard work when I get back next week.

Yard work opens a lot of doors for those who know the tricks, just don’t bet your marriage on it. Even the best relationships have their limits.

What are your tactics? Your limits?