WHAT A DOG HISTORY TIMELINE TELLS

Dog history means one thing: time is passing and it’s not slowing down.

The cute puppy, so cute it hurts, is a running clock.

Theirs and yours.

And it all works together.

How?

As young children we all had one goal: Grow up so we could do things the older kids did.

Like what?

Ride a bike.

Stay up later.

Sit at the big table.

Decide what to eat.

I grew up in an ‘eat everything on your plate or else’ family.

It was tough if you didn’t like what’s for dinner.

I thought I hated Chinese food, but it was the store bought home cooked version I didn’t like.

One trip to Chinatown in Philadelphia changed everything.

I thought I hated Spanish Rice until I went to Valencia, Spain and ate paella under an Ernest Hemingway mural.

Do I want my cute as hell puppy to grow up into a good girl?

I do, but what’s the furry hurry?

Dog History Takes Off

You’ve heard stories about ‘pandemic dogs?’

We were supposed to get one but it turned out to be a phantom pregnancy.

Me: What’s a phantom pregnancy?

Wife: The breeder thought she had puppies on the way. Her dog had all the signs.

Me: Then what?

Wife: PetMD says, and I quote:

False pregnancy in dogs is also called pseudopregnancy or pseudocyesis. This condition can occur in unspayed female dogs because of normal changes in hormone levels.

These hormone changes trick the body into thinking it is pregnant and about to give birth.

Me: I like the idea of a phantom dog. We’ll call it Phantom. There she is. Now she’s over there.

Wife: We’re getting a dog.

Me: Why, when a phantom dog won’t chew our shoes up, pee on everything, hump your leg, and scrub it’s butt clean on your pillows.

Wife: It wouldn’t do that.

Me: It would if I showed it how.

Wife: What?

Me: Nothing. Phantom had me distracted.

Wife: There’s no dog in the room.

Me: Honey, she can hear you. Don’t hurt her feelings. Come here, Phantom. Who wants their belly scratched.

Mud Season Of A Real Dog

Since dog years are 7 – 1 in human years, they get more seasons?

The only two seasons that matter are wet season and dry season.

I’ll spell it out: M U D, or not mud.

Notice I didn’t say dirt? Dirt and dog go together.

You’ve seen cute pictures of long haired dogs laying on a tavern floor?

That’s the floor covered in the scum each booze hound walks in with.

If some of the guys look extra scummy, just remember that dog is taking their scum home to a couch, or rug, or blanket. Maybe the owner’s bed?

Phantom dogs are the cleanest, but dogs and dirt go together.

Dog and mud is just lazy.

Which reminds me, I need to mop the floors.

Q: Would You Like To Be A Model?

A:

“It’ll be fun. You love the camera, the camera loves you.”

“You’re a natural.”

“It’s easy. Give it a try.”

Those were the words I used to pitch my handsome son after reading a call for male and female modeling talent.

We both dressed our best.

If he didn’t make the cut, maybe I would? It would have made a fun ‘discovery’ story either way it worked out.

But, we were late to the downtown Portland hotel hosting the event.

The last people were filling out forms and the cameramen had walked away from the photo shoot.

Why not take a swing?

Me: Follow my lead.

Kid: Your what?

Me: I’ll do the talking.

Kid: Who are you talking to?

Me: I’m figuring it out. Who looks like the boss, the creative director of this show?

Kid: The man with the sweater looped over his shoulders?

Me: Good eye. We don’t talk to him.

Kid: He’s the boss.

Me: Yeah, and he’s working. He’s wrapping up and thinking about what else he needs to do, what he needs to do tomorrow. Too needy.

Kid: Then who?

Me: One of the photographers. They see faces every day. They know a face. You’ve got a face.

Kid: Thanks, I guess. Which one?

Me: The one who looks like you.

Kid: Or you.

Me: We might both have a face. Follow me.

We walked around the suite striking male model poses until they asked us to leave.

Me: We still have a face.

We Weren’t Late For Dog History

Kid: You want to what?

Me: Dress up for dog pictures.

Kid: Why?

Me: Remember when you were nearly discovered?

Kid: I discovered something. You can’t tell time.

Me: So we’re making it up this time. You can take pictures with my phone.

Kid: Let’s find a good place.

Me: I’ll take a few of you.

Kid: Stand under the light. Good. That’s it. Ready?

Me: Good spot. Okay. Sit up straight.

Kid: I am.

Dog history with me on the left.