CHRISTMAS EAVESDROPPING, PORTLAND 2019

Christmas eavesdropping is a target rich time. Feelings of gratitude, feelings of loss, it’s a season of feeling.

It’s a great time to listen in on those feelings? Yes, it is.

Christmas eavesdropping:

Shopper 1: I’ve cracked the code, the Christmas gift code. When everyone you know has everything they’d ever want, then who are you really buying for?

Shopper 2: That’s it? That’s the code?

S1: It’s been right in front of my face this whole time.

S2: I don’t see it.

S1: It’s the season of giving? So give someone an idea of who you are. Buy the one thing you’d like to find under the tree, and buy it for someone else.

S2: That’s it?

S1: It has to be a multiple-part gift.

S2: Is a pair or socks one gift, or two? Like that?

S1: Like earrings and a necklace.

S2: Like gloves.

S1: It should be things the other person would like.

S2: Seriously, you think about stuff like this? If I had to put up with this mumbo-jumbo in my house, I’d be out the door.

S1: You don’t have kids, do you?

S2: Look, I’ve got one life to live, just like you, and if I have to fill with whatever the hell you’re talking about, what did you say, cracking the code of Christmas shopping, I couldn’t go on.

S1: Hey, you notice that guy listening to us?

S2: (I got this.) We see you listening to a private conversation. What is your problem?

S3: Just doing some Christmas eavesdropping around the neighborhood. Besides, you both talk so loud I’m surprised you’re not deaf. A lot of deaf people talk loud.

S2: You’re not deaf yet, but keep butting in and you might be.

S3: That’s not much in the holiday spirit.

S1: Neither is being a snoop.

S3: Rather be a snoop than a droop, or some cheapskate trying to outsmart Christmas. Pair of socks is one gift, just so you know.

S1: Who are you calling cheap, mister?

S2: You know, he might have something there. A pair of pants is one gift, but it sounds like two.

S3: I’ll do the math: 2 pairs of pants are not four gifts.

S1: People like you are part of the problem. You need Christmas eavesdropping anonymous.

S3: I need more interesting people than you two. You’re boring. And cheap.

S1: Again with the cheap-talk. I warned you.

S2: He’s right about the socks.

S1: And he’s right about boring. I’m trying to liven things up.

S2: Did you say something?

S1: You’re not very good at Christmas eavesdropping.

S2: I wasn’t eavesdropping.

S3: Merry Christmas to you both.

S1: Don’t try to apologize.

S2: He doesn’t look sorry.

S3: I’m sorry, sorry for you both. You wouldn’t know a gift if it looked you in the face.

S2: And you would?

S3: I think so.

S1: You think?

S3: I do.